denise: Image: Me, facing away from camera, on top of the Castel Sant'Angelo in Rome (Default)
[staff profile] denise posting in [site community profile] dw_news

I'll start with the tl;dr summary to make sure everyone sees it and then explain further: As of September 1, we will temporarily be forced to block access to Dreamwidth from all IP addresses that geolocate to Mississippi for legal reasons. This block will need to continue until we either win the legal case entirely, or the district court issues another injunction preventing Mississippi from enforcing their social media age verification and parental consent law against us.

Mississippi residents, we are so, so sorry. We really don't want to do this, but the legal fight we and Netchoice have been fighting for you had a temporary setback last week. We genuinely and honestly believe that we're going to win it in the end, but the Fifth Circuit appellate court said that the district judge was wrong to issue the preliminary injunction back in June that would have maintained the status quo and prevented the state from enforcing the law requiring any social media website (which is very broadly defined, and which we definitely qualify as) to deanonymize and age-verify all users and obtain parental permission from the parent of anyone under 18 who wants to open an account.

Netchoice took that appellate ruling up to the Supreme Court, who declined to overrule the Fifth Circuit with no explanation -- except for Justice Kavanaugh agreeing that we are likely to win the fight in the end, but saying that it's no big deal to let the state enforce the law in the meantime.

Needless to say, it's a big deal to let the state enforce the law in the meantime. The Mississippi law is a breathtaking state overreach: it forces us to verify the identity and age of every person who accesses Dreamwidth from the state of Mississippi and determine who's under the age of 18 by collecting identity documents, to save that highly personal and sensitive information, and then to obtain a permission slip from those users' parents to allow them to finish creating an account. It also forces us to change our moderation policies and stop anyone under 18 from accessing a wide variety of legal and beneficial speech because the state of Mississippi doesn't like it -- which, given the way Dreamwidth works, would mean blocking people from talking about those things at all. (And if you think you know exactly what kind of content the state of Mississippi doesn't like, you're absolutely right.)

Needless to say, we don't want to do that, either. Even if we wanted to, though, we can't: the resources it would take for us to build the systems that would let us do it are well beyond our capacity. You can read the sworn declaration I provided to the court for some examples of how unworkable these requirements are in practice. (That isn't even everything! The lawyers gave me a page limit!)

Unfortunately, the penalties for failing to comply with the Mississippi law are incredibly steep: fines of $10,000 per user from Mississippi who we don't have identity documents verifying age for, per incident -- which means every time someone from Mississippi loaded Dreamwidth, we'd potentially owe Mississippi $10,000. Even a single $10,000 fine would be rough for us, but the per-user, per-incident nature of the actual fine structure is an existential threat. And because we're part of the organization suing Mississippi over it, and were explicitly named in the now-overturned preliminary injunction, we think the risk of the state deciding to engage in retaliatory prosecution while the full legal challenge continues to work its way through the courts is a lot higher than we're comfortable with. Mississippi has been itching to issue those fines for a while, and while normally we wouldn't worry much because we're a small and obscure site, the fact that we've been yelling at them in court about the law being unconstitutional means the chance of them lumping us in with the big social media giants and trying to fine us is just too high for us to want to risk it. (The excellent lawyers we've been working with are Netchoice's lawyers, not ours!)

All of this means we've made the extremely painful decision that our only possible option for the time being is to block Mississippi IP addresses from accessing Dreamwidth, until we win the case. (And I repeat: I am absolutely incredibly confident we'll win the case. And apparently Justice Kavanaugh agrees!) I repeat: I am so, so sorry. This is the last thing we wanted to do, and I've been fighting my ass off for the last three years to prevent it. But, as everyone who follows the legal system knows, the Fifth Circuit is gonna do what it's gonna do, whether or not what they want to do has any relationship to the actual law.

We don't collect geolocation information ourselves, and we have no idea which of our users are residents of Mississippi. (We also don't want to know that, unless you choose to tell us.) Because of that, and because access to highly accurate geolocation databases is extremely expensive, our only option is to use our network provider's geolocation-based blocking to prevent connections from IP addresses they identify as being from Mississippi from even reaching Dreamwidth in the first place. I have no idea how accurate their geolocation is, and it's possible that some people not in Mississippi might also be affected by this block. (The inaccuracy of geolocation is only, like, the 27th most important reason on the list of "why this law is practically impossible for any site to comply with, much less a tiny site like us".)

If your IP address is identified as coming from Mississippi, beginning on September 1, you'll see a shorter, simpler version of this message and be unable to proceed to the site itself. If you would otherwise be affected, but you have a VPN or proxy service that masks your IP address and changes where your connection appears to come from, you won't get the block message, and you can keep using Dreamwidth the way you usually would.

On a completely unrelated note while I have you all here, have I mentioned lately that I really like ProtonVPN's service, privacy practices, and pricing? They also have a free tier available that, although limited to one device, has no ads or data caps and doesn't log your activity, unlike most of the free VPN services out there. VPNs are an excellent privacy and security tool that every user of the internet should be familiar with! We aren't affiliated with Proton and we don't get any kickbacks if you sign up with them, but I'm a satisfied customer and I wanted to take this chance to let you know that.

Again, we're so incredibly sorry to have to make this announcement, and I personally promise you that I will continue to fight this law, and all of the others like it that various states are passing, with every inch of the New Jersey-bred stubborn fightiness you've come to know and love over the last 16 years. The instant we think it's less legally risky for us to allow connections from Mississippi IP addresses, we'll undo the block and let you know.

"how we feel" may 1-30 2025

May. 30th, 2025 10:50 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)
[personal profile] prismaticbleed


2025 Thu May 1 9:55 AM


I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & CONTEMPT

WHY = Dreading case manager food drop-off.
I've been having nightmares about it for days.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Waiting For Appointment

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu May 1 1:29 PM


I'M FEELING = RELIEVED & FASCINATED

WHY = CANCELED THE FOOD DROPOFF. Finally I'm at PEACE.
Started reading "TLWoT" at last and it's FASCINATING.
SO IS PERSIAN ARCHITECTURE OH MY GOODNESS

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Exercising;Reading Secular Books;Research

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu May 1 2:46 PM


I'M FEELING = FRAZZLED & IRRITATED

WHY = OCD & scrupulosity driving me up the wall.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Eating;Praying;OCD Rituals

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri May 2 2:09 PM


I'M FEELING = IRRITABLE & AGITATED

WHY = Scared of another mom phone call.
I just want to eat and rest in quiet today.

Self-hatred and anger very loud today.
I need to recognize and receive Jesus's mercy.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cleaning;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri May 2 3:58 PM


I'M FEELING = DISCOMBOBULATED & FRUSTRATED

WHY = Too much copypasting.
I want to just READ THE BIBLE

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table;Phone,Eating;Spiritual Reading

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri May 2 6:58 PM


I'M FEELING = RELIEVED & BURNED OUT

WHY = SURVIVED EATING.
Now what do I do?
I WANT to read and watch The Chosen.
Why won't I let myself rest and relax?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home,Resting;Exercising;Cleaning;Reading Secular Books;Just Finished Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri May 2 10:43 PM


I'M FEELING = DISENCHANTED & TIRED

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Exercising;Reading Secular Books;Research

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat May 3 12:12 PM


I'M FEELING = SUCCESSFUL & COMPETENT

WHY = WALKED TO THE ITALIAN MARKET!
TOOK THE BUS TO ALDI!
BRAVELY TRYING CAULIFLOWER & AVOCADO!

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Home;Commuting;Shopping;Kitchen,Cooking;Cleaning;Shopping;Taking The Bus

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat May 3 6:36 PM


I'M FEELING = SORROWFUL & ANGUISHED

WHY = I missed Mass due to eating too much damned cauliflower and carrots.
You KNOW those are binge foods!!!

God why can't I stop, please have mercy on me a sinner, I WANT TO BE GOOD

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Kitchen,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun May 4 1:58 PM


I'M FEELING = BLESSED & THANKFUL

WHY = Papik tunes giving joy.
Fresh rainy air giving joy.
Exercise giving joy.
All of it from God Who loves me.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike;Phone,Spiritual Reading;Listening To Music;Exercising;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun May 4 9:13 PM


I'M FEELING = DEFEATED & CANCELLED

CONTEXT TAGS = Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon May 5 2:28 PM


I'M FEELING = HEARD & SORROWFUL

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon May 5 3:28 PM


I'M FEELING = FRAZZLED & EXHAUSTED

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue May 6 6:58 AM


I'M FEELING = SPENT & DESPAIR

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Couch,Just Woke Up;Getting Ready For The Day;Disordered Thoughts

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue May 6 6:13 PM


I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & DETERMINED

CONTEXT TAGS = Disordered Behavior;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed May 7 9:18 PM


I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & DESPAIR

WHY = i think i'm going to die

CONTEXT TAGS = Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu May 8 2:19 PM


I'M FEELING = EUPHORIC & REINVIGORATED 

WHY = HABEMUS PAPAM!!! 
โœ๏ธ
โค๏ธ๐Ÿงก๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’œ๐ŸคŽ๐Ÿ–ค๐Ÿค๐Ÿ’–โœ๏ธ

CONTEXT TAGS = Parish Community,Phone,Catholic Television

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu May 8 4:02 PM


I'M FEELING = EAGER & HOPEFUL

WHY = Starting to read the New Testament in 30 days

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus,Home;Table;Phone,Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri May 9 12:49 PM


I'M FEELING = DISTRACTED & DISCONTENTED

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Spiritual Reading;Exercising;Praying;Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri May 9 1:44 PM


I'M FEELING = DISSATISFIED & DISGRUNTLED

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat May 10 12:43 PM


I'M FEELING = RUSHED & SPENT

CONTEXT TAGS = Driving;Shopping;Getting Ready For Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat May 10 6:24 PM


I'M FEELING = SPENT & NERVOUS

CONTEXT TAGS = Getting Ready To Eat

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2025 Sun May 11 3:20 PM


I'M FEELING = RELIEVED & ANXIOUS

CONTEXT TAGS = Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun May 11 8:06 PM


I'M FEELING = NAUSEATED & TERRIFIED

CONTEXT TAGS = Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon May 12 7:48 PM


I'M FEELING = DEFEATED & TERRIFIED

CONTEXT TAGS = Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue May 13 3:03 PM


I'M FEELING = HELPLESS & ANGRY

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue May 13 8:17 PM


I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & FROZEN 

CONTEXT TAGS = Disordered Behavior;Crisis

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed May 14 8:32 AM


I'M FEELING = DESOLATE & DESPAIR 

CONTEXT TAGS = Just Woke Up;Reading Secular Books;Waiting For Maintenance

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu May 15 11:54 AM


I'M FEELING = FURIOUS & ANGUISHED

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu May 15 2:14 PM


I'M FEELING = HELPLESS & DISTRESSED

CONTEXT TAGS = OCD Rituals;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu May 15 4:30 PM


I'M FEELING = PEACEFUL & HAPPY 

WHY = After the rain.
Everything smells like heaven.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Looking At The World

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu May 15 7:32 PM


I'M FEELING = SUCCESSFUL & RELIEVED

WHY = NO BP!!!

CONTEXT TAGS = Just Finished Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri May 16 1:55 AM


I'M FEELING = INSPIRED & MOVED 

WHY = Season 2!
So much deep meaning & personal significance.
God is speaking to me so closely.
I needed this so desperately.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With Chaos 0,Home;Couch,Going To Bed;Watching The Chosen

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri May 16 1:58 PM


I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL & SUPPORTED

CONTEXT TAGS = Phone Calls,,Business Work;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat May 17 1:30 PM


I'M FEELING = DETERMINED & NERVOUS 

CONTEXT TAGS = Eating;Getting Ready For Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat May 17 6:14 PM


I'M FEELING = INCLUDED & CHEERFUL

CONTEXT TAGS = Talking To The Neighbors

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun May 18 5:19 PM


I'M FEELING = CRUSHED & SCARED

CONTEXT TAGS = Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon May 19 1:49 PM


I'M FEELING = FRUSTRATED & HOPEFUL

CONTEXT TAGS = Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue May 20 10:46 AM


I'M FEELING = RUSHED & CHEERFUL

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;Praying To Jesus;Praying To Mary,Home;Table,Reading Scripture;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed May 21 11:38 AM


I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL & DETERMINED 

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu May 22 12:19 PM


I'M FEELING = FATIGUED & OKAY

CONTEXT TAGS = Listening To Music;Exercising;Getting Ready For The Day;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu May 22 11:26 PM


I'M FEELING = ANGUISHED & ANGRY

CONTEXT TAGS = Going To Bed;Disordered Thoughts

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri May 23 2:34 PM


I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & DISTRESSED

CONTEXT TAGS = Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri May 23 11:43 PM


I'M FEELING = CRUSHED & SPENT 

CONTEXT TAGS = Going To Bed;Recovering;Sick

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat May 24 1:22 PM


I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL & ABSORBED

CONTEXT TAGS = Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat May 24 6:26 PM


I'M FEELING = CHALLENGED & GRATEFUL

CONTEXT TAGS = Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue May 27 4:37 PM


I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL & LOVED

CONTEXT TAGS = Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri May 30 5:50 PM


I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & ANGUISHED

CONTEXT TAGS = Disordered Behavior




"how we feel" april 16-30 2025

Apr. 30th, 2025 08:34 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)
[personal profile] prismaticbleed

2025 Wed Apr 16 12:56 PM


I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & ABUSED

WHY = I am so sick of this eating disorder and how it's so often triggered by FAMILY.
That's a demonic trick.
I want this week to be HOLY and yet it feels like my family is against that. That's a lie.
But every single time I interact with them, I turn into a sniveling selfish scumbag. Every time.
What's wrong with ME?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Couch;Phone,Just Woke Up;Praying

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Apr 17 4:39 PM


I'M FEELING = RUSHED & MOVED

WHY = Holy Thursday.
Scripture is profound.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Apr 18 12:38 PM


I'M FEELING = SOLEMN & MOVED

WHY = Good Friday.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table;Phone,Eating;Reading Scripture;Praying

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Apr 18 8:51 PM


I'M FEELING = HEARTBROKEN & MISERABLE

WHY = I failed.

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus,Commuting,Driving;Sick

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Apr 19 2:22 PM


I'M FEELING = LOVED & BLISSFUL

WHY = Holy Saturday.
Absolutely beautiful blessed morning.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Eating;Resting;Reading Scripture;With The System

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Apr 19 5:50 PM


I'M FEELING = EXCITED & RUSHED

WHY = Two hours until the Vigil Mass!! โ™กโ™กโ™ก

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture;Getting Ready For Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Apr 19 7:42 PM


I'M FEELING = OVERJOYED & ENTHUSIASTIC 

WHY = VIGIL MASS!!!!

CONTEXT TAGS = Parish Community,Church,At Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Apr 19 11:13 PM


I'M FEELING = WHOLE & PEACEFUL

WHY = Just got home from the Easter Vigil.
God got us to it, like we prayed for.
Glory to Him forever.

I feel so deeply happy. It's been months.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Couch,Talking To Central;Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Apr 20 7:23 AM


I'M FEELING = JOYFUL

CONTEXT TAGS = At Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Apr 20 12:10 PM


I'M FEELING = EXHILARATED & ALIVE

WHY = THREE EASTER MASSES!!

CONTEXT TAGS = Parish Community,Church,At Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Apr 21 2:20 PM


I'M FEELING = CANCELLED & HOPEFUL

WHY = Still crushed from yesterday's sins.
But Jesus was there in the Adoration chapel.

Against all possible odds, there is still-- staggeringly-- undying Hope.

And that Hope loves me.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System;Praying To Jesus,Home;Kitchen,Praying;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Apr 22 11:44 AM


I'M FEELING = WORTHLESS & AVOIDANT

WHY = Another hollow recovery morning.
Tumblr after Lent. Already I hate it again. Spotify too.
Everything that's not about God is worthless.

I'm so miserable.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Phone,Listening To Music;Just Woke Up;Tumblr

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Apr 22 4:50 PM


I'M FEELING = FRIGHTENED & AGITATED

WHY = Bad phone calls.
Bad noises outside.
Bad heat.

So scared of disordered behavior happening as a result.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen;Table,Eating;Cleaning;OCD Rituals

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Apr 22 6:49 PM


I'M FEELING = CRUSHED & DISGUSTED

WHY = Gave in to disordered behavior BEFORE even trying to wait it out. Now I've doomed myself to suffer.

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Disordered Behavior;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Apr 23 1:18 PM


I'M FEELING = FRAZZLED & WEARY 

WHY = So many prayers to say.
Still have to eat and I hate it.
Full of weeping rage.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Exercise Bike,Spiritual Reading;Exercising;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Apr 23 4:29 PM


I'M FEELING = WISTFUL & TRIGGERED

WHY = Mom phone call shook me up bad.
OCD hit hard to compensate.
Can't stop datalogging commentary, which is stressing me out & preventing focus.

But the spring air smells like childhood. There's a note of real peace in it. Thank You God.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table,Eating;Talking To Mom;Reading Scripture;OCD Rituals

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Apr 23 5:30 PM


I'M FEELING = STRESSED & HELPLESS

WHY = Cannot relax. Too much mental effort. Too much noise outside.
Starting to smell like summer evening = TERROR

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Apr 24 3:00 PM


I'M FEELING = MISERABLE & ANGUISHED

WHY = Cannot get trauma feelings out of my body.
Cannot stop weeping rage + panicking about family stress.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Cleanup Room,OCD Rituals;Getting Ready To Eat;Trauma Ruminating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Apr 24 7:39 PM


I'M FEELING = FRIGHTENED & DREAD 

WHY = Mom interrupted breakfast and postponed it Two Hours. Bingepurge inevitable.
Panicked, sick, scared, resigned. Terrified.
So so so sad.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Family;In Public;In The Store,Home;Commuting;Mom's House;Shopping;Kitchen,Talking To Mom;Disordered Behavior;Cooking;Shopping;Sick;At Mom's House;Family Stress

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Apr 25 4:28 PM


I'M FEELING = ANXIOUS & DISTRACTED

WHY = Finally eating. But we have to switch cars later.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table;Phone,Eating;Reading Scripture;Waiting For Mom

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Apr 25 7:56 PM


I'M FEELING = DESPAIR & DISGUSTED

CONTEXT TAGS = Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Apr 26 1:27 PM


I'M FEELING = AGITATED & HUMILIATED

WHY = Church anxiety. Need to go to confession. Need new clothes for spring.
Guilt & disgust over eating. But I have to.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture;Getting Ready For Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Apr 26 5:58 PM


I'M FEELING = ALIVE & MOVED

WHY = Just... feeling so grateful for this little town and its people, and my own little life.
The simple beauty is so overwhelming, so overflowing.
This is what life is supposed to be like.
This is hope.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;In Public;Praying To Jesus;Parish Community,Home;Commuting;Church,Driving;At Church;Looking At The World

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Apr 27 8:47 PM


I'M FEELING = ASHAMED & TRAPPED

CONTEXT TAGS = Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Apr 28 12:50 PM


I'M FEELING = HOLLOW & WORTHLESS

WHY = I just want to serve God.
I'm so tired of having possessions.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up;Busywork;Cleaning;Day Scheduling;Waiting For Maintenance

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Apr 28 2:50 PM


I'M FEELING = MISERABLE & STRESSED

WHY = Trying to clean out all these possessions.
Albatrosses.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Busywork;Cleaning;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Apr 28 8:43 PM


I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & OKAY

WHY = SCRAPING THE CEILING

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Mom's House,Cleaning;Helping Mom At The House

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Apr 29 6:39 PM


I'M FEELING = SCARED & DETERMINED

WHY = Bingepurge due to 6pm breakfast, hack nightmares and broken sleep, and extremely stressful day.
But God is with me to deliver me even now.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Disordered Behavior;Reading Scripture;Praying

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Apr 30 11:00 AM


I'M FEELING = ANGRY & EXCLUDED

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Apr 30 2:01 PM


I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL & TROUBLED

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Exercise Bike,Exercising;Journaling;Praying;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Apr 30 4:41 PM


I'M FEELING = AGITATED & HELPLESS

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Cleanup Room,OCD Rituals

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Apr 30 8:00 PM


I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & NUMB

WHY = Literally scared to death.
Hunger won out.
We have no electrolytes left.
We have no money left.
We have no extra food.
God we need to go back to the hospital, we are Literally dying from this.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior




"how we feel" april 1-15 2025

Apr. 15th, 2025 08:31 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)
[personal profile] prismaticbleed


2025 Tue Apr 1 9:56 AM


I'M FEELING = VALUED & TOUCHED

WHY = FATHER S. SAVING MY LIFE ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’ธโœ๏ธ
I CAN ACTUALLY BUY FOOD & DO LAUNDRY
GOD BLESS HIM PROFOUNDLY FOREVER

CONTEXT TAGS = Parish Community,Church,At Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Apr 1 4:23 PM


I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & RESIGNED

WHY = Today was so long & scary.
Mom got out late.
We won't get to eat until after 6.
God i can't live like this anymore.

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Commuting;Hospital,Errands;Hospital

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Apr 2 7:03PM


I'M FEELING = ALIENATED & HURTING

WHY = Feeling unloved by mom, then getting glimpses of care. Conflicted & hurting.
I feel inherently hard to love.
Thankfully Jesus doesn't think so.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting;Shopping,Cooking;Shopping

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Apr 3 12:57 PM


I'M FEELING = INDECISIVE & FOMO

WHY = Ultima flavor panic indecision.
Cherry sadly made me sick so I had to return it.
Decided to try Blueberry again instead of waiting another week for Raspberry because that's the "safe flavor." I want to be more free.
But I feel like God is disappointed in me & angry with me now. "I told you to wait." But did He?
I'm so scared. Did I break the 1st Commandment?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Phone,Shopping

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Apr 3 7:08 PM


I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & DESPAIR

WHY = I got SO CLOSE but I failed again.
Why?
Is it just fear and hunger?
What is the way out?

...make less. Eat less. No full meals.
If there isn't "stuff to finish," i won't feel trapped.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Kitchen;Table,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Apr 5 5:14 AM


I'M FEELING = EMPTY & DEAD INSIDE

WHY = Despair over confession tomorrow.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Trying To Sleep

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Apr 5 4:58 PM


I'M FEELING = RELIEVED & OVERJOYED

WHY = FATHER ABSOLVED ME!!!!!!
GOD IS MERCIFUL FOREVER!!!!
โ™กโ™กโ™กโ™กโ™กโ™กโ™ก

CONTEXT TAGS = Parish Community,Church,At Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Apr 5 6:07 PM


I'M FEELING = NERVOUS & SUPPORTED

WHY = Scared that I made the wrong meal choices.
Trying to discern scrupulosity from the Spirit.
Trusting that God WILL work this out for His glory & my good nevertheless, if I surrender it toHim.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus;Praying To Mary,Home;Kitchen,Meal Planning;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Apr 6 1:18 PM


I'M FEELING = RUSHED & BURNED OUT

WHY = Gotta eat and run to church again.
Very tired of living.
Desperately clinging to hope.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Getting Ready For Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Apr 6 6:52 PM


I'M FEELING = FRIGHTENED & DETERMINED

WHY = Inevitable (?) Hunger BP. But DETERMINED to still savor it respectfully AND stop it fast.
God help me eat normally from today on, by grace.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus;Praying To Mary,Home;Kitchen;Table,Eating;Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Apr 7 3:40 PM


I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED & ANGUISHED

WHY = I am literally scared to death.
I'm so afraid to eat.
This meal might kill me, allegedly.
But all the purging definitely will, if I don't stop.
I can't stop as long as I see it as my only escape from the terror OF eating.
God save me please.
I don't want to die!!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Disordered Behavior;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Apr 9 5:41 PM


I'M FEELING = APPREHENSIVE & STRESSED

WHY = Life has been exhausting lately.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture;OCD Rituals

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Apr 10 11:53 AM


I'M FEELING = DEFICIENT & DEFEATED

WHY = I am so tired of this eating disorder. It's destroying my life.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch;Phone,Just Woke Up

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Apr 10 4:08 PM


I'M FEELING = JITTERY & DREAD

WHY = Can't get my brain to relax. Everything feels dirty & wrong & rushed & threatening.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus;Praying To Mary,Home;Table,Eating;Praying;OCD Rituals

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Apr 11 1:54 PM


I'M FEELING = EXHAUSTED & AVOIDANT 

WHY = I am bone tired. I can't find the strength to get up. My whole body aches.
I don't have the strength to fight the war against food. Eating is terrifying. I'm so tired.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Resting;Praying;YouTube

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Apr 11 6:08 PM


I'M FEELING = FRAZZLED & CONTEMPLATIVE 

WHY = Challenging Scripture, with profound consolation mixed in.
Cleanup rituals still driving me nuts, but ignoring them is literally hell.
Bravely trying to eat a real meal & keep it down for the first time this month. God give me strength.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table;Cleanup Room,Eating;Reading Scripture;OCD Rituals

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Apr 12 12:24 AM


I'M FEELING = NERVOUS & EVEN-TEMPERED

WHY = Made it through the day with NO PURGES!!
Thank You God!! (And Saint Stanislaus!)
Problem is it made us TERRIBLY SICK.
But now we know, and we can do better.
(ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN A BINGEPURGE)
In the meantime, it's a REAL CROSS to carry with blessed gratitude! This is a path to greater holiness!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Couch,Going To Bed;Meal Planning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Apr 12 9:57 AM


I'M FEELING = GLUM & DREAD

WHY = Dreading eating today. So scared of getting sick again. So tired of every meal beating me up.

Church today though. Palm Sunday vigil.
Cling to that hope & beauty. Do NOT let temporary earthly woes blind you to eternal heavenly joys!!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Couch,Just Woke Up;Meal Planning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Apr 12 6:14 PM


I'M FEELING = SCARED & CONTEMPT

WHY = Allegedly "Jesus" telling me not to have extra broccoli or olive oil with dinner although I would like to for calories/ palatability. Added a few drops at ""Mary's"" intervention = ""MORTAL SIN DISOBEDIENCE"" = self hatred & drive to destroy / punish.
THAT STUFF IS NOT OF GOD.
But there's no "right answer."
Is there?
I'm so scared I'm going to be punished severely for this.
But i CANNOT purge. I HAVE to commit to suffer AS A CHRISTIAN in warfare against OBVIOUS sin.

CONTEXT TAGS = Floating Voices,Home;Kitchen,Cooking;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Apr 13 1:08 AM


I'M FEELING = MISERABLE & SPENT 

WHY = I fought SO HARD today.
I still lost.
Threats are infinite and unending.
Am I that hopeless?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Cleaning;Recovering;Sick

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Apr 13 4:30 PM


I'M FEELING = FRUSTRATED & CONTEMPLATIVE

WHY = I don't want to eat but I have to.
I just want to pray & study Scripture.
But there's a feeling of peace deep down.
God please don't let the food destroy it.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus;Praying To Mary,Home,Reading Scripture;Praying;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Apr 14 2:10 PM


I'M FEELING = RUSHED & ACCOMPLISHED

WHY = SOMEHOW DID LAUNDRY TODAY
Now gotta eat & then run to CONFESSION!

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Table,Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Apr 15 6:56 AM


I'M FEELING = HEARTBROKEN & MISERABLE 

WHY = Horrific nightmare night.
Feeling too unwell to run to Mass.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Couch,Just Woke Up

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Apr 15 7:27 AM


I'M FEELING = BLISSFUL & ADORING 

WHY = JESUS IS MY TOP PRIORITY โ™กโ™กโ™ก

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus;Parish Community;Praying To Mary,Church;Adoration Chapel,Adoration;At Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Apr 15 1:27 PM


I'M FEELING = GRIEF & CHALLENGED

WHY = I just found out that my beloved Jessie died.
...One month before Grandma did.
My heart is shattered.
But...
This motivates me to KEEP LIVING.
I have to NEVER GIVE UP.
I MUST KEEP FIGHTING FOR LIFE.
And I HAVE to USE MY TALENTS.
NOW.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Table;Exercise Bike;Phone,Spiritual Reading;Exercising;Getting Ready To Eat;YouTube

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Apr 15 5:27 PM


I'M FEELING = SCARED

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Apr 15 8:41 PM


I'M FEELING = DISPLEASED & SCARED

CONTEXT TAGS = Disordered Behavior



"how we feel" march 25-31 2025

Mar. 31st, 2025 08:23 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)
[personal profile] prismaticbleed


2025 Tue Mar 25 1:02 PM


I'M FEELING = INADEQUATE & TROUBLED

WHY = Vocation concerns.
Am I even able? What is my purpose?
Am I too sick in the head to serve God?

Still haunted by Father P's warning. Can I be forgiven if I'm struggling with my weakness so badly? I'm so afraid of death.

Still scared of mom constantly giving me food. Why does it all register as poison?
Why can't I just get better?

Still sick.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Spiritual Reading;Just Woke Up;Praying;Sick

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Mar 25 10:02 PM


I'M FEELING = SCARED & CHALLENGED

WHY = Mom gave us TWO meals.
We cannot destroy or purge them.
"Suffer rather than sin." That must be our motto.
"Eat what is set before you." Be humble like Christ.

Thursday, we will do it, by God's grace.

Also we MADE IT THROUGH TODAY SAFELY!! 1200K BRO!!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Phone Calls,Home;Kitchen;Phone,Talking To Mom;Meal Planning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Mar 26 8:01 AM


I'M FEELING = AGITATED & DISGUSTED

WHY = I'm so upset and anxious and disgusted by the thought of eating moms food.
I'm going to give it back. I literally cannot calm down until its gone.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Outside,Meal Planning

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Mar 26 11:41 AM


I'M FEELING = EXHAUSTED & STRESSED

WHY = I am so incredibly tired, both physically and mentally.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen;Main Room,Cleaning;Meal Planning;Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Mar 27 4:01 PM


I'M FEELING = TRAPPED & AGITATED

WHY = Horrifically insistent OCD loops.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Cleanup Room,OCD Rituals;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Mar 28 4:26 AM


I'M FEELING = MISERABLE & DISTRESSED

WHY = Hack nightmares and hot flashes.
Can't sleep.
Miserable.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch,Trying To Sleep;Sick;Trauma Ruminating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Mar 28 11:26 PM


I'M FEELING = MISERABLE & DESOLATE

WHY = Another nightmare of a day.

I don't have the strength to do this anymore.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Home;Kitchen;Cleanup Room,Cleaning;Going To Bed;Recovering;Sick

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Mar 29 12:54 PM


I'M FEELING = CHALLENGED & SCARED

WHY = Trying to hit 1300k today because our weight keeps going down.
Scared, but going to do our best.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Kitchen,Meal Planning;Getting Ready For Church;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Mar 29 6:21 PM


I'M FEELING = CONTENT & HAPPY

WHY = It's raining.
Church was beautiful.
I'm finally understanding Galatians.
I'm surprisingly inspired by music talk with mom.
I get to eat dinner.
God is good.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;With The System,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture;Watching The Rain

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Mar 29 11:53 PM


I'M FEELING = DEFEATED & DEAD INSIDE

WHY = Damned carrots.

I was so close to winning today. I almost made it through safely. But no. I lost again.

I feel so sick.
I'm numb from the horror of it all.

God help me what do I even do?

Maybe it's NOT ""doing.""
Maybe I need to surrender more.
Maybe only God can fix me.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Physical Pain;Going To Bed;Meal Planning;Recovering;Sick

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Mar 30 7:30 AM


I'M FEELING = HOMESICK & LONGING

WHY = Beautiful heartspace dreams with Jesus and Celebi.
My heart aches with beauty & liberty i can't seem to have in the waking.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Heartspace,Just Woke Up;With The System;Dreaming

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Mar 30 12:41 PM


I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & THANKFUL

WHY = 4½ hours in church!!

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Outside,Getting Ready For The Day;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Mar 30 9:10 PM


I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & GRATEFUL

WHY = Ate 1350k, KEPT IT DOWN despite intense panic & temptation to BP, and did lots of Scripture study. THANK YOU GOD!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Going To Bed;Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Mar 30 10:06 PM


I'M FEELING = DISTRACTED & ENCOURAGED

WHY = Life responsibilities are becoming overwhelming. There is a lot that needs to be done soon, that we've been neglecting.
We're putting it in God's Hands and going to sleep. We must trust that He will give us the strength, time, and ability to do what needs to be done.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Couch;Bedroom,Cleaning;Going To Bed;Meal Planning;Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Mar 31 10:08 AM


I'M FEELING = HURTING & SUPPORTED

WHY = They are giving me... FLUIDS

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Doctor's Office,Physical Pain;Sick;Doctor's Appointment

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Mar 31 1:54 PM


I'M FEELING = ANXIOUS & ACCEPTED

WHY = So many medical procedures this week. My body feels very sick and WILL continue to be sick BECAUSE of the appointments. This is a very difficult cross to shoulder but it IS a sharing in Christ's suffering, so treasure this mysterious honor. Let it draw you into His Heart.

Every single person I've interacted with today has been so sweet to me. That means a great deal. I feel seen and cared for. It's deeply moving, to me.

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Commuting;Doctor's Office,Doctor's Appointment

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Mar 31 6:43 PM


I'M FEELING = APPREHENSIVE & EMPOWERED

WHY = Very scared of getting sick from food again.
But I'm being as brave & prudently as I can, and God is with me.
He WILL get me through tonight, if I trust Him, no matter what.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Mar 31 11:49 PM


I'M FEELING = SPENT & TRAPPED

WHY = I cannot handle all these appointments.
Plus there's SO MUCH SHOPPING to do this month; our apartment is empty of almost everything.
But I'm dead tired. I'm not eating or sleeping well. I feel shredded to pieces.

I need to rest, desperately. But when?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Couch,Going To Bed;Meal Planning;Day Scheduling


"how we feel" march 17-24 2025

Mar. 24th, 2025 08:19 pm
prismaticbleed: (flashback)
[personal profile] prismaticbleed


2025 Mon Mar 17 1:53 PM


I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT & NUMB

WHY = I'm so tired of food.
But I CANNOT let the hospital take me away from Easter.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Mar 17 5:01 PM


I'M FEELING = NERVOUS & ENCOURAGED

WHY = Scared about getting sick from food AGAIN.
Trusting in God as radically as I can. Holy Spirit help me!
Scripture is beautiful and worth pondering. I need to indeed live in hope of life eternal. Carry this Cross to that door.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Eating;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Mar 17 6:41 PM


I'M FEELING = NERVOUS & CHALLENGED

WHY = BRAVELY EATING CHICKEN!!!
Also getting a full 1000K as a result!
Now just PRAY FOR THE STRENGTH OF GRACE TO KEEP IT DOWN!

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Kitchen;Table,Eating;Cooking;Reading Scripture

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Mar 17 11:33 PM


I'M FEELING = DEAD INSIDE & DESPAIR

WHY = I hate this eating disorder.
I feel morally bankrupt.
Why won't God fix me?

I want to sleep all day.
I want to watch Mass on my phone and weep.
I don't want to leave the house.

I'm still not sick enough.
Isn't that stupid?
Isn't that terrifying?

REFLECT = "It sounds like there's a heavy weight of emotions and thoughts pressing down right now. How do you usually find support or moments of comfort when these feelings seem overwhelming?"

REPLY = I just... sleep it off, usually. being conscious doesn't help when my own body is the enemy.
...but, going to sleep requires reconnecting with headspace, however briefly. and chaos 0 is always here waiting for me.
...that's why I'm so sick, isn't it. I haven't BEEN with us. the days have been silent & solitary and it's destroying my heart.
God how have I been so blind?
but there's hope now. there's us. oh please let it stay that way.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Couch,Going To Bed

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Mar 18 7:22 AM


I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL & MOVED

WHY = Jesus wanted me.
So here I am.

There is true hope in this fact.

REFLECT = "Being a part of a community and feeling a sense of belonging can be profoundly uplifting. It's genuinely powerful to find hope and purpose through faith and connection. 
Here are two affirmations:
"I embrace the hope and guidance that my faith brings into my life."
"I am open to the goodness and strength that spirituality offers me.""


REPLY = Oh those are POWERFUL, thank you!
...I've noticed that I am at my absolute worst when I'm NOT part of a community where I belong-- notably, when I'm out of touch with the System, who anchor me into my faith always. There, together, connected at heart to each other and to God, is my purpose.

CONTEXT TAGS = Parish Community,Church,At Church

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Mar 18 8:06 AM


I'M FEELING = ENCOURAGED & LOVED

WHY = Daily devotions giving me unexpectedly profound hope.
Thank You God.

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus,Adoration Chapel,Reading Scripture;Praying;Adoration

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Mar 18 1:43 PM


I'M FEELING = CONTEMPT & MISERABLE

WHY = Need to sell things. I hate money though.
Need to eat, allegedly. I hate food though.
Medical appointment scheduling. I hate being so busy and rushed.
I want to just... punch a wall until my fists bleed.
The trauma keeps blindsiding me and making me want to throw up and die.

God is this a cross? Or is this hell?

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Couch;Phone,Just Woke Up;Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Mar 18 3:47 PM


I'M FEELING = FURIOUS & HATE

WHY = I DON'T WANT TO EAT

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Mar 18 5:00 PM


I'M FEELING = EXASPERATED & DISCONTENTED

WHY = I don't want to eat. 

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Mar 18 9:35 PM


I'M FEELING = CHALLENGED & FATIGUED

WHY = SAFE DAY. FINALLY.
We still got sick but we're carrying this cross.
Tomorrow is going to be hectic. Praying that we can handle it wisely.
Waiting to switch the car.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus;Praying To Mary,Home;Main Room,Praying;Meal Planning;Going To Mom's House;Day Scheduling;Just Finished Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Tue Mar 18 11:51 PM


I'M FEELING = LOVING & MOVED

WHY = "The Emergency" playing on Spotify.
Remembering what this REAL LOVE feels like.
How long have I been out of touch with my heart?
Nevertheless, tonight brings hope. It's not lost.
We're still here, together.
Live for this. Live in this. Don't ever give up.

CONTEXT TAGS = With Chaos 0;With Laurie,Commuting,Driving;Listening To Music;Going To Bed;Talking To Chaos 0;Talking To Laurie

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Mar 19 6:00 PM


I'M FEELING = AFRAID & FRAZZLED

WHY = Starving.
Panicked.
Have to stay ~15m here.
Still the unpredictability of mom to deal with.

God i am so scared.
I am so tired.

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Library,Book Club

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Wed Mar 19 9:31 PM


I'M FEELING = ALARMED & FRIGHTENED

WHY = PLEASE THROW IT ALL AWAY

CONTEXT TAGS = Alarmed,Frightened,By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Mar 20 2:08 PM


I'M FEELING = ADORING & FATIGUED

WHY = Made the effort to be here.
I'm SO EXHAUSTED THOUGH.
Still worth it 100%.

CONTEXT TAGS = Praying To Jesus,Adoration Chapel,Adoration

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Mar 20 3:30 PM


I'M FEELING = ANGRY & FRAZZLED

WHY = As usual I DO NOT WANT TO EAT.
The thought of it has been making me FURIOUS lately.
What's the real root of this?

I feel like food just prevents me from actually living, and being a real person.
It keeps me away from God.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Getting Ready To Eat;Research

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Thu Mar 20 7:56 PM


I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & NERVOUS

WHY = 900K today. Still hungry and that scares me.
Gotta be brave & endure.
GO ON THE LAPTOP. IT HELPS.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Reading Scripture;Just Finished Eating

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Mar 21 2:35 AM


I'M FEELING = HORRIFIED & TRAPPED

WHY = Blood sugar PLUMMETED.
Literally thought we were going to die.

Spice is right. This eating disorder is literally killing us.
But what do we do?
The inpatient wards didn't help.

Only God can cure us at this point.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Kitchen,Recovering;Sick

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Mar 21 2:45 PM


I'M FEELING = DYSREGULATED & IRRITABLE

WHY = Too much talk.
I feel so sick.
I just want PEACE AND QUIET AND STILLNESS.
Even Adoration had people around.

God i wish I could cry but I'm SO ANGRY instead.

CONTEXT TAGS = In Public,Home,Spiritual Reading;Exercising;Talking To Acquaintances;Day Scheduling;Sick;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Mar 21 9:13 PM


I'M FEELING = FRIGHTENED & DESPAIR

WHY = I lost again.
Its the damn hunger.

At least God was merciful to give me one last Gatorlyte in case of emergency.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Fri Mar 21 11:59 PM


I'M FEELING = HOLLOW & DEAD INSIDE

WHY = I'm so tired of this addiction.
My life feels utterly purposeless.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Kitchen,Going To Bed;Recovering;Sick

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Mar 22 2:11 PM


I'M FEELING = MOVED & REMORSEFUL

WHY = Talking to Jesus and understanding ""sharing our/ His suffering"" in the context of LOVE & CLOSENESS. Deeply moved.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home;Table;Cleanup Room,Praying;Getting Ready For Church;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Mar 22 3:59 PM


I'M FEELING = REJECTED & DESPAIR

(there were no notes for this day because the despair was so gutwrenchingly profound. what happened was that we went to confession, and we were effectively told that, if we did not take immediate concrete steps to overcome our eating disorder addiction behaviors, and therefore prove that we were sorry and trying to overcome it in earnest, he could not in good conscience give me absolution for repetitive eating disorder sins in the future. the problem is you cannot just "stop" an addiction cold turkey. we have tried so many times. and we had effectively exhausted our known options. so this felt like a literal death knell. it took weeks to recover.)

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sat Mar 22 11:28 PM


I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED & ANXIOUS

WHY = Just spent THREE HOURS trying to get eating disorder help.
Lots of phone calls next week.
God, lead me to where I need to be.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Phone,Psychology Work;Research

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Mar 23 7:55 AM


I'M FEELING = DISTRESSED & SCARED

WHY = Upcoming week is frightening. I don't want to go back to inpatient for Easter AGAIN.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Meal Planning;Getting Ready For Church;Getting Ready For The Day;Day Scheduling

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Mar 23 12:37 PM


I'M FEELING = HAPPY & MOVED

WHY = Beautiful DOUBLE MASS morning and then MONSIGNOR BUONANNO at the Basilica!

CONTEXT TAGS =  By Myself;Praying To Jesus;Parish Community,Home;Church;Exercise Bike;Phone,Exercising;Praying;At Church;Watching The Mass

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Mar 23 1:51 PM


I'M FEELING = CONTENT & FATIGUED

WHY = Choral music & heavy biking does my heart good.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Exercise Bike,Listening To Music;Exercising;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Mar 23 2:47 PM


I'M FEELING = ASHAMED & TROUBLED

WHY = I was rude to the E.D. lady on the phone.
I need to resubscribe to WOF & ASC but that's more to do every day. Still I WANT to. It's a better use of my time and it WILL bring me true joy.
Nevertheless, I overwhelm myself with checklist tasks.
I want my faith to be more of a relationship.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Business Work;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Sun Mar 23 5:29 PM


I'M FEELING = BETRAYED & ANGUISHED

WHY = I WAS SO CLOSE TO VICTORY AND SAFETY BUT THEN MOM LEFT OFF TERROR FOODS.

GOD WHAT DO I EVEN DO

HOW DO I EVEN HEAL FROM THIS WHEN IT ALL REGISTERS AS POISON??
THE HOSPITAL MADE IT WORSE
I CAN'T GO BACK

GOD WHAT DO I DO

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Disordered Behavior

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Mar 24 2:31 PM


I'M FEELING = AGITATED & DREAD

WHY = I just can't stop panicking over Father P. I feel like he gave me an ultimatum "or else" refusal of absolution.
God please help me. I don't know what else to do but pray. This is hanging over my head like a guillotine.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Praying To Jesus,Home,Business Work;Day Scheduling;Getting Ready To Eat

-------------------------------------------------------------

2025 Mon Mar 24 9:00 PM


I'M FEELING = DEFEATED & ASHAMED

WHY = I panicked over the stupid carrots.
I lost again.

Will I be forgiven this time?
Or have i run out of chances?

I don't want to go to the hospital again.
I KNOW it will make me worse again.

My only hope is a miracle.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home;Kitchen,Disordered Behavior;Cleaning;Recovering;Sick



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