ieroaima

Okay so we just finished a telehealth appointment with our therapist, so before I turn off the laptop and start the daily exercisebike + Divine Office + Animorphs routine, I NEED to update even briefly, so our blackhole of a memory doesn't swallow everything up.

First, therapy points:
1. We cut our hair with the kitchen scissors, not caring what our mother will say. Our hair had gotten so long and shaggy that we DID NOT RECOGNIZE OUR REFLECTION and even worse, NO BLEPOFONI WOULD CLAIM IT. It was literally THAT dangerous. So the hair HAD to go. We cut it off, here and there, over two days, and at one point we looked in the mirror and the instant, instinctive thought at the new reflection was: "This is safe." That stunned me. "Safe"?? We NEVER feel safe. And yet, that was the genuine, settled, relieved thought from deep inside somewhere. Someone spoke that word, someone faceless and nameless but still real. And so we put the scissors down, still completely dazed, but grateful for this. 
2. Apparently, YES, our "relationship" with our mother COUNTS AS TRAUMATIC. I'm laughing sadly as I just googled "trauma symptoms" and well what do you know, we actually DO have these FROM OUR MOTHER. We NEED to journal about that specifically actually, I think that would help a LOT. But in any case, it explains why we haven't been journaling, or even going inside, or doing anything Headspace-related: WE ARE IN SURVIVAL MODE. We are in CONSTANT "fight or flight standby" because we never know when the phone will ring, with new orders or a new crisis. Just thinking about it has me so nauseous right now that I want to vomit. No wonder our diet is still in shambles. Our body cannot rest because it is CONSTANTLY "ready to run" if our mother calls. I just want peace. I don't know how to get it and "still be a good Christian." Maybe we should bring this up to the priest. I don't know. But... at least now, having "permission" to label our mother as "traumatic" feels tragically "freeing". Now we "are allowed" to treat it as such, and maybe finally get to cope with it. But it's heartbreaking too. We want a good relationship with our mother, but... well, we sadly realized back in TBHU that we will probably never ever get that. 
3.  

im sorry she actually just called and it was a half hour and i have to go up that bloody goddamned nhouse AGAIN this satuday wafter church i adont dasfsnjkscbnhfxdd .vas,dcnsjr.rfmklceslz

i an sos oso sosroryy. 
id ont want to go back tere EVER EVER EVE REVE R

4.
3? i don't even know

4. just please someone write about wedensday on the bust rtrip talking. laurie julie chaos genesis celebi lynne. and the core "jewel" the one with short red spiky hair righ tnow. and  infinitii. who needs a new name they keep saying but they were in that black interim space where infi exists right now. talking about trauma and healing and love and fear and ocd and bulimia and abuse. important things
so many flashbacks on the road too
and bad people, bad bad bad, not bad morally but bad as in scary and intrusive and mom behavior

but we cannot talk now. want to cry scream sob bite hit rage destroy cry sob weep rage. so anhry
the phone calls always do it
need to go on the biycycle and "ragecrush" they said
bike superafst superhard to angry music and cathartize out all the bad aching heart hurt angry sad tears screaming pain feelings. need tostop

god help us please. i am so tired

someone fix this lateri cant. 
hey at least we udpated though!