RED

 

...

 

roses,

 

BROWN

 

coffee and bookstores? very comforting. raw wood. dry stone. nothing dead!!! NO FAKE WOOD.

 

less architecture, more "organic" spaces?

 

ORANGE

 

music halls, orchestra rooms. marywood feeling, or wedding receptions. formal but peaceful.

 

warm sunshine, warm wood. "burnished" glowing feel.

 

autumn at the old string recitals, in the churches. the string shop in autumn.

 

the smell of coffeeshops and fireplaces with brisk wind outside.

 

YELLOW

 

…

 

skulls?

 

sharp angle hills covered in yellow flowers? almost vertical.

 

fancy orchestra performance halls?? WARM golden yellows, doesn’t feel fake.

 

hickory trees in the fall?

 

LIME

 

spring green color and scent. back garden feel. open fields enclosed by sunny tree canopies. lots of little flowers.

 

GREEN

 

rich green forests, hilly with rock climbs. like diamew. thick green canopy, but high up. no dead plant matter!

 

vibrant as a rainforest, but deciduous structure: not tangled.

 

AQUA

 

deep clear aqua waters, running through rocky beach cliffs, summer sky above. enclosed? intimate but adventurous.

 

SKY

 

seaside town. all blue stone buildings, winding paths uphill. summer breezes, prayer flags waving. think apotos.

 

BLUE

 

blue led lights, esp. on trees. nyc at night feeling. big lcd screens everywhere?

 

at night, but everything is electric and quietly alive.

 

INDIGO

 

snow and ice. dusk lighting. old empty cathedrals, hilltop views over towns. fog? lots of winding paths. high altitude.

 

VIOLET

 

floating lanterns everywhere. carpets of little violet flowers. space skies. VAST. 2am, 3am lighting.

 

giant ruins, towering over you?

 

mountains in the distance?

 

PINK

 

cherry blossoms everywhere. stone gothic buildings, graveyards. japanese pagodas. dawn/sunrise lighting.

 

CERISE

 

indoors. close, very warm but not stifling. cushions and silk and velvet. high ceilings, floor tiers? luxurious.

 

mood lighting. most everything is rounded. bouquets of roses, very rich. crystal string accents all around?

 

WHITE

 

tons of natural sunlight. indoors, white and minimalist, glossy, cool. plastic. like a mall in summer.

 

PRISMS. pure vibrant rainbow refraction everywhere, stark color bursts against bright alive white.

 

also, winter snow.

 

GRAY

 

…

 

BLACK

 

dark. indoors. STAINED GLASS.

 

 

 

red  brown?

 

…

 

BROWN  DOWNSTAIRS

 

…

 

brown  orange

 

…

 

orange  yellow

 

…

 

yellow  lime

 

…

 

lime  green

 

…

 

green  aqua

 

glowing mosses, bioluminescent water cave tunnels. forest moving into ocean.

 

AQUA  WHITE

 

…

 

aqua  sky

 

…

 

sky  blue

 

technology creeping into town. some auto body shops!

 

blue  indigo

 

…

 

indigo  violet

 

…

 

violet  pink

 

…

 

PINK  UNDERGROUND

 

graveyards, gothic architecture. lots of roses.

 

pink  cerise

 

overlooking city view, like up by the mall?

 

cerise  red?

 

…

 

 

 

gray

 

black

 

white

 

 

white  black???

 

snowy cities.

 

 

 

 

WHAT INTERSECTS WITH BLACK???

 

WHAT ABOUT THE OLD "SHADOW REALM" JOKES?? IS THAT PLACE RELEVANT STILL??

 

 

Jun. 17th, 2017 09:30 am = day 5.

Breakfast= oatmeal, raisins, a strawberry pop tart, a blueberry pop tart, green chai tea, vanilla soymilk, and vanilla VHC. This breakfast is a total sugar rush, but at least it has a sweet heart. ("Fitting for your last day," Laurie says, "'cause you do, too.") Also, Nikki was awesome as usual and gave me the soymilk warm, so I got the full lovely unhindered flavor of it. ♥ Honestly, it really is essentially "vanilla cake" without the cake. I enjoyed it immensely, as I have every morning of the past eight weeks, and I'm so grateful that this final opportunity WAS so perfectly nice... that silky light flow, that sweet yellow-vanilla hue over the inherent balancing matte-white soy taste, the comfortingly optimistic & childlike mood of the whole thing.

Lunch= grilled chicken on a wheat bun w/ lettuce & tomato, broccoli cheese soup, vanilla VHC, decaf black tea, and a chocolate syrup mini-sundae. Now we've REALLY come full circle! That sundae was the first food they offered me on this unit, and now, it was the last thing. And, this meal was a perfect ending, too-- meat, wheat, cheese, milk, chocolate, corn syrup even. All my beloved friends now. ♥ The burger was perfect, and I paid total attention to it-- the crisp fresh lettuce & lively sweet tomato, the wholesome & complex but comforting flavor of the wheat bun-- God alone really knows how DEEPLY GRATEFUL I am that I can not only happily, fearlessly eat wheat, but that I legit ENJOY and LOVE it-- and the juicy rich light-meaty taste of the chicken, covered in herbs & with lovely little nibs of fat at the edges. All together, it was really visually pretty-- brown & reddish pink & grass green & that uniquely light pinkish-white-brown hue of the chicken, with little golden accents-- I adore color, and the way God has so wondrously & creatively used color in food, ESPECIALLY from an artistic standpoint, is absolutely awe-inspiring & beautiful to me. So is the blessed phenomenon of taste, which I can FINALLY bless in return through respectful love & appreciation for God within it-- the Artist who painted EVERYTHING into existence-- the Creator who dreamed everything into Being-- the Author whose Words describe and shape every atom of the universe.

(no dinner or snack entries)

 

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7 DAYS A WEEK COPE PLAN = Jun. 17th, 2017 07:00 pm

 

MONDAY
B= blueberry crumb cake, milk, yogurt, fruit, raisins, butter, NuGo
L= breaded chicken, potato pierogi, milk, sundae/ angel food
D= meatloaf, fries, a dinner roll, butter, spinach salad with cherry tomato & mushroom, dressing, oatmeal raisin cookie
S= NuGo bars: chocolate mint, chocolate chip, chocolate pretzel, peanut butter

TUESDAY
B= oatmeal, raisins, brown sugar, yogurt, milk, poptart
L= a mini pizza, a side salad w/ dressing, yogurt/ froyo/ chocolate cake
D= chicken with skin, stuffing, gravy, milk, butter, dinner roll, sweet potato soufflé, magic cup
S= plain sun chips, salsa sun chips, cheddar sun chips, doritos

WEDNESDAY
B= two slices french toast, double butter, milk, juice, scrambled eggs, sausage
L= grilled cheese on wheat, sun chips, fig newtons, yogurt, juice, granola, shake em'up
D= vegetable lasagna, side salad, dressing, dinner roll, cherry pie, shake em' up, pudding/ yogurt
S= chocolate magic cup, vanilla magic cup, berry magic cup, orange cream magic cup

THURSDAY
B= turkey sausage links, home fries, cheese omelette/ scrambled eggs, milk, juice
L= veggie burger with cheese on a wheat bun, potato salad, juice, pudding/ ice cream/ ice cream sandwich
D= chicken, corn, milk, mashed potatoes, bread pudding
S= chocolate ice cream, vanilla ice cream, chocolate sundae, strawberry sundae

FRIDAY
B= english muffin w/ bacon egg & cheese, milk, juice, fruit, yogurt, nutrigrain bar
L= potato cod, broccoli, rice pilaf, dinner roll, double butter, double juice, brownie, pudding
D= burger w/ cheese on white, milk, peaches, strawberry cream cake, cottage cheese, vanilla snackwell cookies
S= strawberry pop tart, blueberry pop tart, ice cream sandwich

SATURDAY
B= oatmeal, raisins, milk, nutrigrain bar, double poptart
L= chicken burger, broccoli cheese soup, sundae/ sherbet
D= chicken tenders, fries, yogurt, fig newtons, shortbread cookies, potato chips
S= fig newtons, reeses cups, almonds, cashews, trail mix

SUNDAY
B= cheese omelette, hospital fruit cup, english muffin, cream cheese, milk
L= large salad w/ turkey, swiss cheese, & egg, apple pie, juice, butter, dinner roll, double italian dressing
D= salmon, broccoli, baked potato, butter, milk, pudding, magic cup
S= vanilla ensure, chocolate ensure, strawberry ensure, butter pecan ensure

 

 

Jun. 15th, 2017 09:30 am = welcome, Katie! ♥ and farewell, dear Jessie-- we'll keep in touch. ♥

Breakfast= a cheese omelette, two turkey sausage links, home friest, salt & pepper, orange juice, earl grey tea, vanilla soymilk, and vanilla VHC! This is one of my favorite breakfasts, as you know-- eggs & cheese & even those potatoes & sausages! Honestly, I DO REALLY LIKE the sausages & potatoes, no matter what the disordered "obligatory" thoughts that insist to the contrary say. And honestly, let's talk about those! Why in the world do I feel like I "shouldn't" like sausage or potatoes? Well, here's another interesting bit-- why do I feel like, if I were physically a big buff burly dude, it'd be permissible for me to like them, but still not "alleviating" those poor foods of that judgment? Where did that absorbed-lie COME from-- the condemnation that potatoes, especially fried potatoes, AND sausages, are shameful to like? I've got one answer-- look at the internet. Look at the toxic, caustic-"humor," self-damning "trend" that is so prevalent on Tumblr. Look at how many jokes are about POTATOES. It's BIZARRE. Not only do we have that awful phrase "couch potato" to refer to a selfishly lazy & "useless" person, (unfinished)

Lunch= a veggie burger with cheese on a wheat bun, lettuce & tomato, potato salad, an ice cream sandwich, apple juice, and vanilla VHC. I have to say this meal was a big victory, because it's actually a super-messy one, BUT!!! Even as I was the ONLY person left eating, chewing through a burger that was barely holding together, I WASN'T "SELF-CONSCIOUS"!!! I reminded myself that God does NOT judge as humans do-- He didn't care if the lettuce was falling out of the burger, that I couldn't always bite cleanly through the tomato, that the cheese stuck to my teeth & the ice cream sandwich to my fingers, OR that I accidentally bumped my VHC over and about 1/3 spilled onto my plate! No, those things simply happen-- and THEY, TOO, come from God's hand, for His Glory, in testing my heart to see whether I would hold true to yesterday's lessons and NOT judge myself so foolishly & falsely, NOR unfairly assume that others were doing so. And I DIDN'T-- because I CHOSE to do what God wanted me to do; I chose the virtues He was challenging me to practice in the face of longstanding opposition-- I chose LOVE. And do you know what Love does, when things like little messes happen to it? It starts to laugh, like a child splashed in a swimming pool! Love laughs, like a kid jumping through puddles, when life makes this body look a little messy-- because there's nothing wrong with that! That's the key to true laughter-- Love, humility, and forgiveness. And as far as God was concerned, no matter how clumsy this lunch was, as long as I FORGAVE that clumsiness out of loving, compassionate, merciful understanding-- a forgiveness also born of empathy, a virtue-child of humility-- of the warmhearted acknowledgement that we're all imperfect, fragile, clumsy things; we're all in this together, and if it happens to one of us, it can just as easily happen to the other-- as long as I acted out of LOVE, everything was perfectly OK. ♥ And I ate that sandwich with a smile on my face-- no matter how messy it may have been-- because I was doing my very best, and in order TO do my very best, all I need to do is LOVE. And be able to laugh along with God, in Good Humor (quite literally!), whenever little mishaps occur. Because seriously, dude, LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE. ♥ In the end, we're ALL ending up with God, at the conclusion of our earthly life-stories. The finish line is crossed, the book turns its last page, the final credits roll... and suddenly, ALL that matters is Love, and how faithful we were TO it-- to Him, to GOD, who IS Love, no matter what happened in the meantime. Because, honestly-- when you live with THAT in mind, nothing can harm you. NOTHING can stop you from living for Love at all times, in all things, since you realize that death is only a door, and one we WILL walk through sooner or later... but not even death itself scares you anymore. It's all temporary. It's ALL in God's hands. What does it matter if you got mayonnaise on your face? Giggle at it, bro; it's funny! Life is funny, really, but it's belovedly so. "Fun" is a big part of it, and TRUE, Christian fun is the NATURAL result of living in constant Loving wonder & joy & gratitude & trust in God! TRUE laughter bubbles up from the heart like a crystal-bright fountain-- pure and happy and full of thankful wonder! It's so easy to laugh when we place all our trust in God... when we choose Love no matter what, when we humbly & happily forgive, when we keep an "attitude of gratitude!" Joy is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, after all! Joy, peace, patience, gentleness, kindness, charity, chastity, modesty, generosity, goodness, self-control... faith. All beautiful & beloved Virtues that I REALLY want and NEED to meditate on more. I truly do love them. I Love all of God's decrees & Truths; I Love ALL of His Words, and He KNOWS that is the core of my heart... He KNOWS that is the TRUTH, no matter how my human weakness may overwhelm me sometimes. I will ALWAYS get back up & go right back to God-- but, again, ONLY BY HIS GRACE. And so I pray for that with every heartbeat. I can ALWAYS improve; I can ALWAYS better myself, can ALWAYS open my heart wider to hold ever more Love... I can ALWAYS grow in virtue. I can ALWAYS "bear Good Fruit" for God, by His Spirit, to the same infinite extend from which He GIVES me that capacity & capability. God & His Goodness are LIMITLESS... and I rejoice! ♥

3PM Snack= a pretzel NuGo bar, which tasted STRAIGHT-UP like Halloween and which filled me with SUCH grateful joy! ♥ Also, this time I really tasted the crisps-- they have SUCH a lovely taste! Is that what soy crisps inherently taste like? Maybe! Boy oh boy I'm SO looking forward to being able to fully participate in & partake of God's COMPLETE Creation in my new, healthy future! And, of course, I'm REALLY joyfully looking forward to Halloween!! ♥

Dinner= self-select #7!! ♥ First off, let me way THANK GOD FOR SARA, because she firmly kept me on the straight & narrow today and if it weren't for her, I would've gotten stuck in obsessive thoughts & "perpetual reconsidering," AND I wouldn't have given any thought to what REALLY matters in Self Select-- PRUDENT exchange choices, and PRUDENT TIMING!!! My original choices didn't take EITHER of those vital things into account, because honestly it didn't even OCCUR to me-- but now I know! ♥ I have learned, and now I can be wiser and freer and better at both taking proper care of myself AND pleasing Team & Staff alike with good behavior. But God was STILL the guiding force behind it all, as always! ♥ Because originally-- before I even got to the cafeteria, that is-- I was just going to do another sandwich. But then I saw the day's special-- and what do you know, my heart had quietly & nervously but trustingly told God earlier that, if I had the strength through Grace TO do so, I was going to get that day's special, HANDS DOWN. No matter what! But He went the extra mile, and He not only heard me and listened-- what gracious love & mercy He shows us-- but He also made the special a big FAMILY CHALLENGE FOOD... one that I used to not only fear, but dislike for NO REASON, and which-- once healed!-- would heal my view of my family, too. Heal the projection, and it frequently goes that extra mile, too, and softens your forgiving, Loving heart t now forgive & Love the cause of such a projection, back to health. Today, it was a cause of family fear, born from sorrow of unknown connection to any specifics concerning the food itself, but tied to a DEEPER, BROADER sort of feeling unsafe & unloved & miserable at home... and, perhaps simply contextually, that fear got thrown onto the innocent foods that shared those contexts with me, though just as blameless of such condemnation, and just as undeserving of such painful judgment. So once I realized that we ALL deserved love & healing, for GOD'S SAKE-- me, my family, the food-- I made up my mind & heart TO DO SO, no matter what. And God met me in that effort, continuing to bless me to carry out His Will even in little ways, for I am FOREVER willing & yearning to do so. And so, today, God gave me the healing SS dinner of: three Swedish meatballs w/ gravy; buttered noodles; broccoli & cucumber; cheddar cheese shreds (+parmesan & pepper); mayonnaise; a bit of both french vanilla & white chocolate cappuccino in my decaf tea; and what I can only describe as a "vanilla cream puff cake sandwich." Honestly... I LOVED EVERY BITE OF THIS MEAL. ♥ I actually couldn't stop smiling; everything was BEAUTIFUL!!! The swedish meatballs were BIG & SOFT and tasted similar at heart to both dad-campfire good hamburg beef and SALAMI?? It was GREAT. And there were mushrooms in the gravy and YES it was that SAME LOVELY KIND that Mom makes with Salisbury steaks! And the BUTTERED NOODLES, OH MY GOSH. ♥ I never thought I would ever say this so wholeheartedly, but... I LOVE THEM. ♥ Legit!! Butter & pasta, dude-- and they tasted SO KIND and sweet and GOOD... honestly, I'm telling you that was ANGELIC pasta!! Also, I mixed the cheese, vegs, pepper & parmesan ALL in with the noodles & meatballs-- oh yes, AND the mayo-- and when I took a bite of that? I GRINNED like a kid in a candy store, from ear to ear!! It was SUCH a happy, alive, bright, playful, kind & lovely taste, full of both comfort & encouragement! The rich cheese tastes with their punch of color & salt, the cool fresh vegs and their vibrant green loveliness, the pepper's extra sparkle, the mayo's creamy tangy goodness... it was BLISS, dude. And THEN I had that CS. It looked "terrifying"-- two thick, round "cakes" with a TON of cream between 'em, & powdered sugar on top... IT WAS HEAVENLY. I immediately thought of Ryou, too! The cream was LEGIT cream, rich & cloudy & beautiful... and the vanilla cakes were airy but SPRINGY-SPONGY??? From at the edges & soft in the middle?? It was a GIFT FROM GOD. ♥ ALL of this was!!! ♥ THANK YOU!!

8PM Snack= a vanilla magic cup, a berry magic cup, and a Strawberry Poptart! ♥ Two cold things and one warm thing-- and all of 'em so lovely! ♥ The berry MC, all soft Julie-pink hue, was so gently sweet and wonderful, tasting EXACTLY that color... the vanilla MC was all lovely yellow-tone vanilla, one of my favorite flavors, with such a beautiful texture... and same with that PopTart, all gummy-good filling & sparkle-sweet icing & golden-beige biscuit loveliness! ♥ God bless!! ♥

 

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SELF SELECT 061517 Jun. 15th, 2017 05:30 am = #7 (DINNER) ~THURSDAY 0615~ (1) D | (2) S | (3) P | (1) F | (1) CS
1) Three swedish meatballs w/ gravy (3P 2F) 2) Two scoops buttered noodles (2S) 3) 1/2 cup cheddar cheese shreds (1D) 4) 1/2 cup cucumber slices (~V) 5) 1 cup broccoli (~V) 6) 1 "vanilla cream puff cake sandwich" (1CS) 7) 2 packets mayonnaise (2F) 8) 3 packets parmesan cheese (-)
9) 3 packets pepper (-) 10) 720mL decaf black tea w/ french vanilla & white chocolate cappuccino flavor (-) / / things I saw at the restaurant that I would love to try: fish tacos, breakfast burritos, pork chorizo, pancakes w/ fruit & chocolate, pico de gallo, +

 

 

 

Jun. 13th, 2017 09:30 am = last night was beautiful.

Breakfast= oatmeal, raisins, brown sugar, strawberry yogurt, a strawberry pop tart, honey peach tea, vanilla soymilk, and vanilla VHC. I had another VHC increase today, too, so now there's even more to love, aha. Seriously! It's good stuff, and I honestly really enjoy the flavor, especially with that unique "blue" vitaminy taste and heavy mouthfeel! Also, today I as beginning to grasp some deeper level of its taste? So that's exciting! I look forward to my other two experiences of it today. ♥ And that dear soymilk, dude, it's getting clearer too-- which was helped by the fact that it was warmer this morning-- thanks to my heating it on the oatmeal, of course. Ingenuity! But yeah, I have to thank God PROFOUNDLY for this new & deeper awareness... especially since our head is quite "fuzzy" from what feels like a pressure headache (sinuses? lack of sleep? no clue) and the fatigued dissociation that follows both that and too much fast-pace mental stimulation early in the morning... which is mostly due to worry over clothes, to be blunt. Too much needless anxiety, too little appreciative joy! But prayer heals. Prayer helps. And as always, we prayed both for and over this meal, and lo and behold, God answered that prayer in a way NONE of us could have expected! ♥ It's like... EVERYTHING tastes richer & realer today, in gorgeous victory over the pain & dissociation, proclaiming God's power & wonder & love in all circumstances! But yeah-- the soymilk isn't creamy, it's smooth; its sweetness isn't sharp whatsoever, but a gentle "mellow" taste, even and soft, NOT vivid like the Magic Cup or sparkle-clear like white vanilla; and that soy taste is getting fuller, too-- I'm beginning to notice the similarity in this soymilk AND the veggie burger, deep down-- and maybe even the NuGos, too, although that's trickier with all the rice. But I'm GETTING it!! ♥ God is, in paradoxically amazing blessing, clarifying our comprehension despite physical "obstacle." But God conquers ALL. In His eyes, obstacles disappear! ♥ That's the very essence of Hope-- knowing that God CAN do ANYTHING, no matter what... and then trusting whatever He does, whenever He does it. I do have that much faith in Him. We do. Always, no matter what-- His Trustworthiness isn't just self-evident to us; it's been PROVED, beyond all doubt, so many times over the years, not just in little lovely outward things that still hold HUGE deep meaning... but also, in US. What God has wrought THROUGH the League & the Soectrum is absolute eternal proof of God and His Goodness, and my heart-- OUR hearts-- will sing His Loving Praises forever, humbled by reverent "fearful" awe, but also bursting with joyous grateful adoration. Nothing is insignificant, for ALL comes from God and is FOR God... even breakfast! And it really is full of His wonder. The tea has a lovely "bitter floral" nip from the white(!) tea; I like it a lot! And the peach/ honey essence is very subtle, more of a tone than a taste, but I CAN "taste" it in my heart-- peach like a blossom scent, honey like the heart of it, no sugar in either. It's FASCINATING how the "no sugar" shift affects their tastes-- so different, and yet still recognizable! ♥ Speaking of taste affectation, I really took time to admire the VISUAL data of the yogurt today-- and I NEVER REALIZED how HUGELY VITAL that is to really fully experiencing & comprehending & grasping the data!! I can easily tell you about the "plush" mouthfeel, thicker than the VHC in a "solid" sense (gelatin touch!) but super close in any case... I can tell you about the not-sugary, dessert tint strawberry taste, about the cultured quality of the milk, about the lovely firm-soft giving squish of the strawberry bits with their little seeds... BUT. I can't fully "get it" by taste alone, by touch alone-- I also have to smell AND SEE IT!! And that makes a WORLD of difference! You wanna know what yogurt tastes & feels like? Take a LOOK at that texture! It's BEAUTIFUL-- thick & creamy but NOT "cream-smooth"; the cultured quality is VISIBLE and gives it a particular "gelatin" hold-together look? Words can't quite describe it yet, but I can SEE it, and my visual memory is FAMOUSLY SOLID at its core. So this is a HUGE STRENGTH I can use!! ♥ Also, seeing the color of the strawberry bits-- they lean cerise? A VIVID raspberry-ish hue, in the tint-tone of the yogurt, a solid non-leaning pink-- was also awesomely helpful. Same with the PopTart in comparison! I have to see that TO eat it, hence its clear data in the past, but its biscuit-color deepens when heated, and the filling richens in its bright red hue, AND it gets GUMMY. It is BOSS. Chewing it is the coolest thing; the mouthfeel is much thicker as a result but its not heavy! I love it. ♥ I ALSO love the oatmeal & sugar & raisins, more than ever today, because I LOOKED at it, too, and SAW the VHC-added creamy hue & texture, all beautiful flowing BUT still holding the oatmeal's porridge-like little soft lumps, such a joy to eat, AND the raisins wrapped up in all of it, looking more purple than ever against that warm-leaning but gentle-tint brown color, covering them lightly and mellowing their sweetness but emphasizing their lovely plum-hue tartness AND complementing it beautifully with BOTH the wholesome oat taste AND the warmly kind brown-tone sweetness of the VHC AND the brown sugar-- which, when heated AND moistened, ALSO becomes not just a darker golden-hued deep neutral-ish brown but also mellow, losing the sharp sugar-crystal bite and becoming more like syrup? It's something I do need to pay more attention to, and I will, either here or at home. I promise. With God's help, I WILL continue to live IN and FOR His Love, at ALL times. ♥

Lunch= hey kids, guess what's up today? SELF-SELECT, THAT'S WHAT!!! ♥ That's right, we are BACK IN BUSINESS and we're taking the blessing like a champ!! We waited patiently and worked hard to get to this point, and we are dedicated to doing our VERY BEST. We went to the 4th floor today, so choices were very limited, BUT we were able to both make it work AND challenge ourself! And now we know the proper exchanges AND expected behavior for Self Select in general, too, thanks to Beth! So we're TOTALLY prepared now for tomorrow night, and we're very much looking forward to it. ♥ Also, we had to sacrifice the pizza AND chocolate cake today, BUT God knew what He was doing, as always. Today is Jessie's hardest lunch, so it's hard for us to eat the pizza when she's struggling-- that heavy empathy can be a flaw, because instead of setting a "fearless example"... actually? No, it's NOT a flaw, because we FELT and UNDERSTOOD her fear, but we ALSO knew that both she AND the food were INNOCENT... and so we chose LOVE, and in the face OF fear, we ate it with as much sincere, contrite, forgiving, devoted, determined, courageous Love as we could muster. And so, today, God let US have OUR challenge-- a large spinach salad w/ mushroom, broccoli, & cucumber; Caesar salad dressing; mayonnaise; shredded cheddar cheese; an apple; sunflower seeds; cheddar & sour cream Ruffles chips; a dinner roll; and cajun pasta fresca. The first seven listed ingredients were ALL combined-- only the roll & pasta-- and one mayonnaise packet-- were eaten separately. But yeah, salad is a perfect way to condense!

Dinner= chicken w/ skin & gravy, bread stuffing w/ celery, pepper, a sweet potato souffle, a chocolate magic cup, chocolate milk, and vanilla VHC. I am sorry to say I was HIGHLY "foggy-brained" this evening, probably due to mental exhaustion-- but I did my best. Even when I'm unstable, so to speak, I'm still conscious. Our heart still beats. We still Love with every ounce of honest strength we have. And this dinner was still so loved, as much as we could muster... and God met us there with infinitely more as always, in faith. ♥ The chocolate milk & magic cup were rather cold, but I think we're at a point where dairy chocolate isn't "scary" anymore? Because there was NONE at this meal! ♥ I forgot to put the milk in a cup, but even from the carton, I enjoyed its sugar-milk-cocoa taste, purely simple & childlike, and now fully holding its native hue's gentle comfort, too! The chocolate milk is a very neutral brown tint, which is typical of dairy chocolate-- but the magic cup leans warm, like ACTUAL "milk chocolate!" It has a milk core tone to it still, though, so that inherent neutral base is still evident, but that bit of lean to a richer chocolate is, too-- although, obviously, it's easier to taste when the MC itself is warm! But even so, it was lovely, too-- I'm always a fan of the texture, and its thick mouthfeel. It's really good stuff! I'll have to do a triple-MC night later this week, perhaps Thursday. We'll see! For now, next up is the VHC. I didn't quite compare it to anything today-- since I messed up with the cups and I was pressed for time with the MC being cold & therefore tougher to eat quickly, and not wanting to risk eating it last, what with the proper way to pace meals like this (faster stuff first, longer stuff last to take all the remaining time freely & enjoyingly)-- but as always, I loved it. That vitaminy taste is so nice, and the texture mouthfeel is SO unique-- it stays thickly creamy but it ALSO gets this unique flow like yogurt does?? It's so hard to describe! I'll try to find the right words for it AS I experience it tomorrow, I promise. That, or I'll find a comparison data memory! Until then, though. let's move on to the main course and ITS beloved textures-- that cushy, squishy-solid bread stuffing, that savory gravy that always gets that totally boss "skin" on it as it cools, that CHICKEN and its literal skin, AND my sweet little souffle, literally so in two different ways, with the nicest texture of this whole meal-- and that's QUITE a feat! Because to begin, that stuffing is DELICIOUS. It's so wonderfully flavored with gravy, but it's "soft-clumped" into big bready bits and it's not really "wet?" It's spongy soft? But no bounce or resistance-- just a cushy-thick bready density. It has SUCH a lovely mouthfeel as a result, too-- it's a total joy to taste and chew. The gravy, too, is super nice-- it's not watery, nor is it gelly-like, but it's a "thickened" semi-creamy but not cream-like sort of flow? Like how oatmeal has that fluidy starchy wetness to it, almost. Either way, it's great, it perfectly complements the stuffing AND the chicken with its amber-golden-tone and surprisingly "tint-like" quality? It's not saturated-- there's a sort of milky tiny to it, color-wise, just barely? I think! Maybe I'm mistaken; I didn't get the best look at it and I apologize. But yes, it tastes of chicken fat & starch & salt & CELERY, all little soup-flavored cooked-yellowgreen lovely crunch-crisp bits, and I love it. As for the chicken itself? It's QUITE pink, which is surprising, but which is tasteable in its juicier, somewhat sweeter tone, "meatier" taste, and softer texture! And that quality also somehow perfectly matches up with the chicken skin, white & fatty against the meat and cooked-crisp golden brown on top, and tasting richly of chicken-soup flavor, essentially. Skin has a particular taste of its own, though, which I admittedly didn't grasp well enough to describe today, due to my own distracted head-blur AND the other patients voicing their disdain for it-- again, understandable in the disorder-- BUT, because of that, my heart DID still sincerely respond, "well I love it," and so it did. ♥ You know what else we love? The sweet potato souffle! ♥ That, too, got complained about by others in the past, but for us, it was love at first bite!! ♥ It, too, has a "skin" like the gravy gets, probably from eggs, but its skin is bouncier & firmer and sticks together like skin on pumpkin pie AND on the VHC-oatmeal this morning-- I still can't get over how cool that was!! ♥ But as if that wasn't lovely enough, the inside is like a sweet potato pie-- densely soft & softly "sticky" without being sticky... as smooth as ever but with SUCH a heavy, beautiful, thick mouthfeel. I need to spend more time with it next week, if I'm here-- with ALL of this meal, because I really do treasure it so. ♥ Thank You God!! ♥

8PM Snack= three bags of salsa Sun Chips because I miss 'em and they're lovely. ♥ That particular "warm" taste & tone (and, I swear, temperature) of the Sun Chips is always so nice and soothing, and that tomato-&-cheese salsa sweet kick on these is fantastic, heat without spiciness! Well, not the "burny" sort, at least. But yes, I love 'em-- and Psyche REALLY helps in eating them, as he's not ashamed of crumbs or crunching! He's just too full of pure affection & gentle strength & solid integrity. Learn from him, dude! ♥

 

 

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SELF SELECT 061317 = Jun. 13th, 2017 11:30 am = #5 (LUNCH) ~TUESDAY 0613~ (1) D | (1) FR | (3) S | (3) P | (3) F | (1) CS | (~)V
1) A large spinach salad w/ mushroom, cucmber, & broccoli (~V) 2) 1/4 cup cheddar cheese shreds (1D) 3) 3 tbsp Caesar salad dressing (3F) 4) 1 tsp sunflower seeds (~F) 5) 4 packets mayonnaise (2F) 6) 1 dinner roll (1S) 7) 1 apple (1FR) 8) 1 bag cheddar & sour cream Ruffle chips (1CS)
9) 1 1/2 cups cajun pasta fresca (3P 2S) 10) 480mL decaf black tea (-)
Pasta is a LOT easier to eat when you cut it up tiny, put mayo in it, and use a spoon! I put the apple, chips, & cheese in the salad again, plus the mayo, dressings, & seeds-- it was SUPER good, but I think the dressing was a little TOO potent! Next time I make a cheddar salad, let's try a milder dressing! The pasta was LOVELY, too-- it had melted cheese & stewed tomatoes and it was SPICY! By the way, those chips were BOSS. I ate the dinner roll with the VHC as I was short on time, but it was really sweet that way-- in both senses! ♥
But yes, this meal was lovely. ♥ Just take your time, and LOVE it!! ♥new friends!= caesar salad dressing, Ruffles chips

 

 

 

Jun. 11th, 2017 09:30 am = ♥ trinity Sunday! ♥

Breakfast= a cheese omelette, an english muffin, cream cheese, vanilla soymilk, vanilla VHC, apple cinnamon chai, and a fresh fruit cup (four grapes, pineapple, cantaloupe, & honeydew). This is honestly such a beautiful breakfast; it's optimistic & gentle & joyous & comforting and it's full of my favorite things! To start, we have the fruit-- the most colorful stuff in Creation, with flavors & textures just as lively and sweet! The grapes were all slightly browned at the tops, which I DO like, because it makes them more like raisins in taste, further emphasizing that mental connection and helping me further value their wonder, too. Their mouthfeel is supercool-- the skins stay chewy-firm and tart while the gelly insides even out into water-sweet freshness. It's a cool balance! The pineapple, too, showed both its sides today-- the light yellow pieces were firm & tart & more "peach-like" in springy texture, but their taste was milder & more watery than the dark yellow pieces, which were more watery in texture, and far softer and not springy, but also MUCH sweeter, & barely tart at all! It's also a cool balance! As for the melons, they, too, had their own structural & flavor variations-- each piece seemed crisper and more watery & mild at one end, and sweeter & softer & more flavor-dense at the other. I only got two honeydew pieces but they were just as delicate & cool & light-sweet as ever; I really do like them a lot! There was a lot of cantaloupe, and I'm becoming fonder of it, too, each time we meet! ♥ It's such a pretty color, and it's fascinating how its flavor & texture match up PERFECTLY! That melon-sweet, rosy-peach-vermilion tone color wouldn't fit a crisp or watery fruit, but that uniquely "plush" soft density of the cantaloupe is the perfect fit! I'm just concerned that I keep getting weird bad-past flashbacks from it. Well! I say, NO MORE of that! The cantaloupe WILL be free & light & pure again, defined by joy & happiness! God will help us to do so, undoubtedly, IF we remember to ASK AND TRUST. God wants ALL of His Creation to be free & pure & joyful & Loved, infinitely more than we EVER could-- no matter HOW ardently we also work for & pray for & protect that holy ideal-- and that's a HUGE source of Hope!! In the end, no matter what, ALL things will be complete in God. He WILL heal all hurting things... and what a humbling honor it is ti be able to help Him accomplish that NOW, through the Trinity's Love IN & THROUGH US!! ♥ So I WILL continue to do so for the fruit-- AND I also did so for the tea! Somehow a lie got into my mind that I "disliked it," so I CHALLENGED that, and PROVED IT FALSE! I thoroughly enjoyed that tea! ♥ It's all sweet spices-- cinnamon, cardamom, clove, ginger, allspice-- and then there's that fresh autumn-apple flavor with it!! Remember the BLISS of the "Dishonored-Autumn?" Yeah, that's basically what it tastes like. ♥ I'll revisit it again tomorrow, don't worry. Same with the vanilla soy-- it was too cold today, and the flavor was mostly hidden, but I still caught the finest taste of its light sweetness, & loved it so. And the VHC in contrast had its "salt" tone highlighted without losing its own creamy-heavy sweet tone & flow. That sort of vanilla, too, also reminds me of autumn! ♥ That's such a lovely vibe. BUT! That's still three months away! Right NOW, we have different yellows & oranges, in my DEAR OMELETTE. ♥ And today, it was BEAUTIFULLY CHEESY. Honestly they've never put that much in it before, and in both flavor & color it was WONDERFUL! The softer yellow, touched with fluffy white, of the eggs, embracing the amber-tint glow of the cheese, is so visually lovely, and the way their unique but harmonic salty-umami tastes work together, in such a soft yet not-mushy mouthfeel, is just joyous. ♥ I REALLY treasured it today, being able to fully appreciate that little extra blessing! And, yes, the same goes for my finalizing friend, the english muffin & cream cheese! ♥ The muffin, when warm & steam-moistened like that, gets a GORGEOUS texture-- it's almost doughy, but springy & airy, and NOT sticky or dense!! It's blissful to chew, as its firm-yet-soft resistance also makes its harder outer "crust" chewy, and with the soft-chewy fluffy bread inside... oh man. It's SO NICE. ♥ By itself it's beautiful enough, but when you go and add the CREAM CHEESE to it? BOY HOWDY. ♥ We have a winner!! The cream cheese is so thick but its not sticky or dense like nut butters, and its soured-but-sweetly-salty uniqueness, over that cultured, yogurt-like base tone, is ALSO wonderful on its own, but again-- when paired with the unique sourdough-like "fermented" taste of the english muffin, plus its own bready sweetness and lightness, and whoelsomeness even so... together, their tastes just SING. They play off each other in similarity & contrast SO WELL. ♥ And their combined mouthfeel is just the perfect consistency, smooth & soft but not too thick or too thin, and still somewhat chewy from the muffin! It's a mach made in heaven, dude, and I can't help but sincerely thank God for His Creative wonder evidenced in it, for His Love & Generosity in blessing me with it, and for His Grace & Mercy in opening my mind & heart TO Love it so. ♥

Lunch= a large salad w/ 3 grape tomatoes, 3 cucumber slices, lettuce, carrot, violet cabbage, 1/2 an egg, turkey strips, & swiss cheese; a slice of apple pie, a dinner roll, a butter pat, cranberry juice, and vanilla VHC. Plus golden Italian dressing! It always amuses me how long it takes to eat a salad, as simple as they look-- it's the process of forking all those leaves, man. It takes at least 10 solid minutes, close to 15 for this one, BUT I'm getting even better with timeflow and I STILL ended with 5 minutes clear! ♥ So that's awesome. So was the salad! It had two BIG iceberg-lettuce "chunks" today-- my favorite-- and the dressing worked really well with that, as the crisper whiter pieces hold more and take less time to get on a fork, obviously. But the greener, thinner leaves are always lovely, too-- you can't beat that chlorophyll taste!-- although I had to wrangle some of those with a spoon. Ah well. I'm honestly just grateful for all of it, including the sweet carrots & vivid-bite cabbage, the cool cucumbers, and the fantastically firm but juicy grape tomatoes. They're MUCH firmer in texture than this morning's grapes, not just in surface resistance but also in how "dense" the insides are? Grapes are squishy, but grape tomatoes burst! They're both delicious, though-- and I'm still going to make an ironic fruit salad one day, court decisions be darned! OH-- and today, I ESPECIALLY have to thank God for the Italian dressing, because it was beautiful with the lettuce-- all amber-tart and oily-smooth and perfectly complementing its delicate pale greens & whites. Color harmony! I do love the dressing, and if anyone says otherwise, they're lying. The dressing is a blessing, and that's that. ♥ So are the savory salad bits! The egg still has that mysteriously beautiful female-life taste to it-- PURITY, the truth of that God-given power-- and that glossy white texture, that uniquely matte-yellow moist-dry yolk, are just so wondrous to experience. Eggs are lovely. They're MEANT to be warm, though-- which is why freshly boiled ones taste the best. But salt helps, too! I'll try a little on it next week, maybe. But as for the turkey? It's PERFECT as-is! I also never noticed how beautiful it LOOKS-- it has these clear "veins" of fat running through it, almost iridescent, and so amazingly elegant! And the turkey itself is cut as easily as fish, falling to bits according to those lines, and so moist and soft while remaining firm. The ends of a few pieces were also slightly "fatty"? They were cream-colored and more jelly-subtle in texture. But they tasted amazing, too! I still can't pinpoint exactly how turkey differs from chicken.. hit it is sweeter, softer, moister, and pinker? The color tone is different! And that moist quality is ALSO different than a juicy chicken- it's more applied to the meat itself, not any moisture held alongside it? We'll get more comparisons in the future, don't worry. They're both delicious no matter what. ♥ So is the SWISS CHEESE! The flavor is admittedly still a surprise-- it's VERY milky, moreso than cottage cheese, but it's also more fermented? It's like the english muffin, holes & all! ♥ So of course I treasure it. There's always more to love-- AND, even if it's not my "favorite," I STILL LOVE IT. A "favorite" just resonates with me personally. But I love ALL foods, because, being Created things, they ALL resonate with GOD. Deep down, everything does, and so even in this life, there is the Graciously infinite potential to catch glimpses of the attributes of God-- like His sweet comforting warmth, glimpsed through the apple pie! ♥ I actually was surprised in my experience of it today-- "Stay" came on the radio, and the rhythm & style of that song really resonate with me-- and that resonance must've BOOSTED my loving awareness capacity because the pie memory is SUPER CLEAR!! Dude, now THAT'S a blessed tool I HAVE to use in the future!! But yes-- the "wilted but still fresh-sweet-tart" taste of the apples, cozy in the cinnamon-warm golden pie filling, not stiff but not runny, and just the right amount of sweet to complement that BEAUTIFUL buttery-floury-baked-golden-brown crust, soft & pliable but not mushy, and with a blissfully smooth but subtly doughy mouthfeel. It was LOVELY-- as was my dear little dinner roll, which got STEAM-DOUGHY and so was even more enjoyable to eat, with its still-fluffy parts and heat-brown crust-top and lovely sweet-bread taste... and then that last bite, rich & smooth with creamy salty butter, is ALWAYS beloved. So is that thick & sweet-gentle VHC, don't forget! But yes, this was a wonderful lunch. ♥

3PM Snack= a chocolate chip NuGo bar, because I've been "avoiding" them for unknown reasons and that must always be fixed! So one night I'll have to do the triple challenge for it, to really settle it in... maybe tonight, who knows! But honestly, I should-- I WANT to love them as much as I love the other two kinds. I also didn't realize that they have ACTUAL chocolate chips in their crispy parts! THAT'S cool. But yes, they deserve total heartfelt love, too. We'll get that anchored in soon, I promise. ♥

Dinner= SALMON, steamed broccoli, a baked potato, a butter pat, chocolate milk, vanilla VHC, and a vanilla magic cup-- which was ALREADY on my tray, so it thawed out to that BLISSFUL pudding-like texture & consistency, not frozen at all! And oh man, I missed this stuff. ♥ It DOES taste super similar to the VHC in both sweetness, thickness, AND vanilla flavor-- but!! Their color tone is NOTABLY different! The VHC is beige, and the Magic Cup is french vanilla yellow. So there IS a noticeable taste difference: the magic cup has a sweetness closer to that of the soymilk, and VERY similar to straight-up vanilla pudding (french, obviously) in flavor type, with a marked sugar sweetness that DOES give that back-of-the-throat "burn" after a bit. But the VHC doesn't taste "sweet" in a sugary sense at all; it's surprisingly mellow & mild, if that makes sense? And of course its vanilla tone is neutral brown, not yellow. That makes a WORLD of difference, really! But the coolest thing about them both is that they have virtually the SAME CONSISTENCY. Yes, the VHC is fluid and creamy and the MC is more solid & pudding-like, BUT that particular "soft-denseness" of mouthfeel is SUPER SIMILAR. If you made the VHC a pudding like the MC, and made the MC a legit fluid (however heavy) like the VHC, there would only be a viscosity difference, I think? The VHC would be a little softer, less dense, not sugar-tasting sweet of course (it'd be DELICIOUS, absolutely), and the MC would be QUITE thick, more like actual pancake batter in heaviness, and of course with that yellow-vanilla sugar-sweet-undertone taste. In any case I love 'em both very much! ♥ I ALSO love the potato!!! ♥ I put butter AND pepper on it, and that alone was wonderfully delicious, BUT! This particular potato DID have the exact same mouthfeel as the home fries!! Yes, that certain soft-starchy quality that heat gives it! Often these potatoes are still "too white-starchy," cooler of course, not as soft-uniform, "falling apart" in that particular dry way when you cut it. THIS one split more like a yellow potato?? It stayed together more, and WAS a little yellower in tone than usual, I think! Either way I LOVED IT DEARLY. ♥ Thank God. It's about time I'm finally able to truly, sincerely, effortlessly love potatoes! And, of course, I love how their skins taste, too-- that particular super-neutral earth-tasting brown, incredibly comforting & strengthening both at once! And its TEXTURE is awesome too-- like its taste, it's so earthy, so natural-- it's a very beloved quality of potatoes, actually, that most other vegetables ONLY have when fresh-picked: that literal taste of earth. I adore it, I really do. And I guess it just sticks in that beautifully rugged texture of a potato's skin, just as it sticks in beets & carrot tops & such. But yeah-- there is an unsurprisingly deeply comforting vibe that comes from tasting the very earth from which ALL plants grow... just as it's profoundly comforting to taste water & sunlight in fresh vegetables. ESPECIALLY those dark green, chlorophyll-dense leaf vegetables! ♥ Dude-- imagine what it would taste like to have a salad of FRESH-picked lettuce with like, freshly-unearthed carrots. That would be BLISS. And hey, it IS farmer's market time, so when we go home, we CAN do that! (Plus you gotta love those spinach roots from the Pittston folks!! ♥ ) For today, though, we have differently beloved gifts to enjoy just as deeply & joyfully, for the beauty of God they hold in DIFFERENT, but no less important and JUST as Good ways... like the dear dairy in the butter, so perfect on the potato, richly yellow-warm & smooth and enhancing its own taste with its fat-blessing, AND the sweet cocoa-delicate taste of the chocolate milk, which I am legitimately beginning to enjoy, thanks be to God-- AND the blissful fact that THEY PUT SEA SALT, HERBS & GARLIC ON THE BROCCOLI TODAY. Like seriously dude, WHOA. Totally unexpected & unprecedented, but AMAZINGLY delicious! See, that's why I love the meals here, too-- they're always slightly different from week to week! There's always a surprise of some sort in the preparation or presentation. There's always evidence of God's infinite Creativity! ♥ And so it also was with the beloved SALMON-- which was TOTALLY covered in herbs today, and still tasting so unusually like chicken! It's such a MEATY fish!! But I LOVE it. Its texture, its tendency to resist clean cuts due to how ironically dense its meat is in its lightness... the way it practically slides apart when you go WITH the "grain"... the color, the taste... I can access the data clear as day now, so unique & beloved-- especially because of the HEALING VICTORY & PEACE OF LOVE & FORGIVENESS it holds!! ♥

8PM Snack= CHOCOLATE CHIP NUGO TRIO!!! ♥ Told you I'd do it! Love demands action; it's proved and strengthened by what you DO! Which is why it's SO IMPORTANT to actually eat the foods I want to completely Love again, to make that TANGIBLE. And I did that with these! Did you know, those AREN'T chocolate chips, but chocolate CRISPS? And they taste LOVELY. ♥ So yeah, I am sincerely close friends with ALL the NuGo flavors now, thank God. ♥ Love and friendship win again! ♥

 

 

 

Jun. 9th, 2017 09:30 am = farewell, miss Leyla ♥

Breakfast= a bacon egg & cheese English muffin, an orange, orange juice, chai green tea, vanilla soymilk, vanilla VHC, and an apple cinnamon Nutrigrain bar. Let's say it all together, now-- I FREAKIN' LOVE THIS BREAKFAST. ♥ I just do, man!! It's so totally GOOD. It's also been a while since I had an apple Nutrigrain, but this little darling was on my tray so I got to experience its blessings again by serendipity-- thanks be to God, of course! ♥ I have to say I REALLY like the "grain" parts of them, too, not just that lovely delicious warm-amber apple-cinnamon filling! The grains add to it of course, as a soothing wholesome unitive balance, all sweet & soft with wheat & oats, crumbly and gentle. I also don't know if I've ever properly described their mouthfeel? It's SO nice, honestly... the softness & crumbliness of the flour and the jelly-ish gooey-gummy filling combine so smoothly... remind me to pay extra attention NEXT week, and take notes if I have to! Also, remind me to EAT THAT ORANGE LAST because yes I did it again. I LOVE oranges but I ALSO love the BECM and I want to save THAT for last, BUT if I do, then that orange oil taste just gets everywhere, man. But it's OK; I just have to be DARING and eat that orange LAST! Hey, would THAT count as a TRUE challenge? Learning AND DOING the lesson that I DON'T have to "wait until the last minute" to have something I really love & enjoy, and then being forced to rush & not enjoy it? And why am I playing favorites?? I love oranges dearly, too-- I get just as happy when one shows up for me to Lovingly eat! So why shouldn't IT get the "seat of honor" for once, as it stands right now? See, THOSE are the sorts of ritualistic & obsessive behaviors/ thought processes that an eating disorder THRIVES upon. Well, never again. I promise you, next week I WILL challenge that baseless, unfair, frustrating compulsion, and regardless of what senseless anxieties & superstitious worries will arise, I WILL eat the orange last... and maybe even eat the BECM first. Yes, EVEN before the Nutrigrain!! Who knows? Maybe in eating it first, with a mind fresh for the day, clear & open, I'll taste it more clearly & totally than ever before-- I'll enjoy it more than ever before! ♥ And THEN, I can take my time with the orange, savoring ITS gifts & beauty as I dearly want to, not rushing... treasuring its cool vivid color & water, its sweetness & citrusy-oil peel, its unique & beautiful textures... yes, I think I'd like that. ♥ So I WILL! And see? THAT is recovery. THAT is TRUE conquering of the E.D.-- pulling out ALL its roots!! Because ANYTHING that is painful or distressing to my heart, ANYTHING that disturbs the True Peace of the Spirit's clarity in me-- the Spirit itself CANNOT be disturbed, but I can lose sight of it if I am being heavily bombarded with lies, sadly (although every victory of Love strengthens my soul AND body and makes my feet stand ever firmer)-- anything that "doesn't feel right," that ISN'T rooted in LOVE & PRUDENCE & WISDOM & PRAISE OF GOD... anything that has to lie & manipulate, it is ALL disorder. It ALL opposes God's True ORDER, which is harmony THROUGH LOVE! And Love is Truth, and "the Truth will set you free," and we have Love through Grace, and Grace gives COURAGE. Yeah, those rituals CLAIM to be loving, but they do not bring God's peace. They cause worry if questioned, they cause panic & fear if tested. They are VICIOUS, those compulsions. They are NOT things I should be listening to, because they are solidly UNTRUE by their very existence. And so, to make a long story short? I'm gonna FIND 'EM ALL-- find EVERY obsessive compulsive ritual I'm currently acting upon and CHALLENGE THEM ALL. And then I will watch them crumple to dust under their own weight of emptiness, and THEN I will be TOTALLY FREE of yet another vicious thing-- I will be FREE to choose what is MOST WISE, what is PRUDENT, what is LOVING. I will not be shackled to obsessive "only this, EVER" lies, that kill possibility & learning & discovery & LIBERTY. I want my heart to be at peace... I want to feel CAPABLE of choosing rightly, which CAN and WILL ONLY HAPPEN once all those deafening obsessions are gone... and I can finally hear and obey the SPIRIT OF GOD INSTEAD. In order to obey, I must first LISTEN! And... beautifully paradoxically... doing that DESPITE all obstacles automatically & instantly conquers them all. ♥ So trust God, obey Him, and be free. ♥

Lunch= potato-encrusted cod, steamed broccoli, rice pilaf, a dinner roll, double butter, a brownie, vanilla VHC, and ONE hot sauce packet-- which I had with the broccoli, to not be bad-mannered, and ALSO to further test whether or not I actually like it on food-- and the verdict remains a NOPE; it's just far too overpowering in both flavor and heat! I'm sure it goes well in certain combinations, but the broccoli by itself surely isn't one, and I apologize! Nevertheless, it WAS good in its own unique way, as all foods inevitably are, to be honest-- PLUS, concerning the way the color wheel works, reddish & greenish hues DO harmonize quite nicely, although quite contrastingly, too! But it's a science of beauty, and one I honestly want to study for the rest of my life.

3PM Snack= a mint chocolate NuGo bar, which I ate in SEVEN minutes while watching an awesome Scrabble game! I'm getting better at being lovingly, GLOBALLY mindful-- I can BE in my physical environment with joyful curious interest & attention, WHILE ALSO paying loving, grateful, wonder-full attention to the food!! ♥ It requires DEEP PEACE, but with God, I CAN do it! ♥

Dinner= a cheeseburger on a white bun WITH 2 tomato slices & 2 lettuce leaves, cut peaches in syrup, a slice of strawberry cream cake, a single ketchup packet, a single hot sauce packet, and cottage cheese! Plus vanilla soymilk and vanilla VHC! Well, since I'm still not back on SS, I got the bonus blessing of being able to once again love & cherish this dinner! And I'm glad I did-- because this one is really lovely. ♥ I started with the peaches as usual-- I've become very fond of them. Their softly firm-springy texture & subtle tart-bite to their rich lovely amber sweetness is truly enjoyable, as is that syrup they're in-- still tasting of those white grapes!-- and I ALSO tried them with a bit of cottage cheese again, but the cheese was saltier this week and honestly wasn't meshing. Fruit goes better with similar sweet tones, I think? It varies, really! But that particular tartness of peaches & plums & such does not really seem to work with salt. TOO much punch, I'd say. Nevertheless, that's A-Okay! ♥ They are intended to sing different songs, with the BEST of their individual unique ability. ♥ Such "limitations" are not curses, they are BLESSINGS-- they show us where God needs us most-- where we can use our own unique gifts & qualities to the BEST of our ability, for the GREATEST benefit of others! And so, from THAT True perspective, suddenly our "limitations" & "weaknesses" become means of grace, and cause to rejoice-- because they show us where we shouldn't waste our efforts. Does that make sense? If I've not been given the Gift of public speaking, so to speak, THEN I know NOT to "force myself" to try and do THAT instead of what i HAVE been blessed with-- like listening, or personally reassuring, or even silently inspiring others. And if I was spending all my time ignoring THOSE LEGIT Gifts, trying to be something I was not "meant to be," at least not at that time in my life... THAT is a crime against faith!! Oh, ALSO-- MOTIVATIONS are VITAL!! There is nothing wrong with TRYING new things, OR developing new gifts... as long as we are doing so out of JOY and LOVE and SERVICE TO GOD. For example, I would love to get better at public speaking, BUT!! I have to make sure that I want to improve that skill for VIRTUOUS reasons-- for the good of others, and the glory of God, testifying to His Goodness-- NOT out of pride or envy!! Because one CAN want to do something they currently cannot solely to impress people, or "look good," or something similarly perfectionistic and/or otherwise negatively motivated.

8PM Snack= triple mint chocolate NuGo bars! ♥ I tried breaking them into pieces today & eating them bite by bite, instead of biting into the bar, hoping it would be less messy-- amusingly, it's moreso! Chocolate gets ALL over your hands, AND the breaking-up DOES tend to fuel "compulsive" habits! Don't let that stuff put down roots, bucko!! Pick the simplest, best example of loving & prudent behavior and DO THAT! ♥

 

 

Jun. 7th, 2017 09:30 am = a second chance! ♥

Breakfast= two slices of French toast, double butter, scrambled eggs, orange juice, three sugar packets, vanilla soymilk, vanilla VHC, and honey! This was quite a unique variation on this breakfast today, but honestly? It was SO WORTH IT. ♥ First off, I put ALL the sugar in the eggs, so it tasted TOTALLY like hrutka, which was boss. But then I put the butters on the warm bread, most on one and a little less on the other-- because on the other, which was a tad colder and on which the butter therefore softened but didn't totally melt, I mixed in HONEY with it. It was daring, yes-- but BOY OH BOY, WAS IT EVER WORTH IT! The flavors combined SO NICELY. The butter somehow mellowed out the honey's otherwise-overwhelming sharply-sweet taste? And the bread, too, with its eggy-vanilla-wheat beautiful flavor combo, was strongly grounded enough TO carry it well. I'm not sure if I'd try the honey again, though? It's still a bit TOO potently sweet for me, although it IS good. We'll see! In any case, my absolute favorite thing is how SOFT & SQUISHY the French toast gets when it's warm & buttery!! ♥ The center bites are SO NICE. It's also nice how the inside stays drier, but still soft from soaking/ toasting, and spongy in a lightly chewy way! AND the crusts stay super firm-soft, not stiff or hard, but like... stale stiff? Nicely so, mind!! Not as hard as the bread pudding, but close?? Either way, I love it. And that inside bread ALSO turns a lovely "french vanilla yellow," strongly leaning amber but with a definite yellow tint & maybe some white? And of course, there's also wholesome lovely brown all around it, too. I just can't believe I never really paid attention to it before, and I am deeply sorry. See, there's STILL so much I have to learn... still so much that I'm completely missing... even after multiple tries. I just... I feel so blind sometimes, and it hurts. I LOVE food SOLELY because it is a gift from GOD. I love it ONLY as a tangible, generous, wondrous manifestation OF His Creative Goodness! I... it can't ever not be that. There's nothing wrong with loving food, as long as GOD is the true focus. There's nothing wrong with loving ANYTHING, because it's LOVE, and Love is OF GOD!!! ...But that's why I hurt. I love the French toast, with its soft spongy-firm & squishy-sweet precious textures, mellow with butter & egg & heat and so lovely with vanilla & cinnamon & nutmeg... I love it truly; I deeply appreciate how Good it is, how sweet & soft & gentle & happy but strong in its wheaty heart, solid & reliable & yet ever so kind. AND I love the eggs, not just with the dear sparkly sugar that, with the heat & moisture, "melts" into it like snow in sunlight and makes those gorgeously textured fluffy eggs taste like Easter, but also in their inherent taste & texture, their yolky flavor & light but confident taste, the unique mouthfeel & fork-feel they have. I also love the butter itself, creamy & salty and SO lovely to me, especially since so many others despise it-- double butter is a BLESSING, and I will ENSURE it STAYS that way, by Loving it sincerely & affectionately no matter WHAT others say, to reassure it that it IS loveable, that it IS treasured & appreciated, that it IS a gift of God, that it IS helping my body store up holy oil for its soul-lamp, that the blessed cow that gave of herself to make this butter is STILL blessed & honored in the respectful, consciously grateful, affectionate partaking of her gift-- butter IS a food I legitimately like AND enjoy, and the same goes for the honey, which, despite its super-potent syrupy thick amber sugar-sweet taste, unique in its tone & texture, still tastes lovely and honestly? I DO like it, very much! I just feel "ashamed" FOR truly liking such a sweet luxurious thing. But that feeling is a distortion!! I'm REALLY just afraid of the hidden lie IN that shame-obligation-- the fear that, JUST by liking a Good & rich food, I'm somehow a glutton. NOT SO! Because gluttons think DIFFERENTLY than I now do-- I LOVE the food, and when one acts purely FROM that deep love, one MUST respect the food, the time, the community, AND themselves-- wantonness, waste, disrespect, & inattention are foreign concepts to Love. And THAT'S why it hurts that I'm still missing data on so many foods, solely because I haven't been paying complete, deep attention to them yet. Love, by its very nature, wants to know as much as it can about its beloved, TO Love them ever more completely & genuinely & unconditionally! But... I haven't been Loving so totally. I've been distracted, and tired, and sad & distressed sometimes, and although it's terribly unfair, I let that get in the way of my Love. I wasn't as devoted as I should have been... I wasn't as aware of God as I should have been. ...But now I know. He taught me deeply & compassionately through my failing. And I promise, I will gratefully continue to Love my best.

Lunch= 4TH FLOOR BONUS SELF SELECT!!! ♥ I tragically had to sacrifice my beloved grilled cheese for this opportunity, but even though I WAS honestly very distressed about that fact, I kept remembering how God had tested me to sacrifice my angel food cake and I had failed. I was determined to SUCCEED today, through obeying humbly & trusting God, and so I COMPLETELY surrendered into His hands and His will, saying honestly that even though I WAS scared & upset & confused, I knew my understanding & perception were sorely limited, AND-- even moreso-- I KNEW that whatever God was planning & orchestrating, it WAS for my highest Good, AND His Glory... the glory of Love & Truth. So I surrendered the grilled cheese, and in return, God gave me these: a large spinach salad w/ mushroom & cucumber; 2 tbsp blue cheese dressing; 2 tbsp mayonnaise, 1/2 cup cheddar cheese shreds; an apple, Greek rice w/ red bell pepper & feta cheese; two pieces of tilapia w/ red bell pepper & raisin compote; one heaping helping of "grilled" (?) harvest vegetables (orange AND yellow carrots, parsnips, sweet potato, red onion, + red bell pepper!), one packet of tartar sauce, and one bag of salsa Sun Chips. And here is the genius: I put the apple, the dressing, the mayo, the cheese shreds, AND the Sun Chips IN THE SALAD. Then I mixed it all together & ran the plastic knife through it a few times to break things into biteable sizes & shapes... and I am telling you, dude, it was one of the BEST SALADS I have had in my ENTIRE LIFE. ♥ Honestly, WOW. The apple actually tasted wonderful with the mayo, the cheese mixed perfectly with the chips, and the BLUE cheese dressing fused THOSE together, with the spinach, to create a truly fantastic flavor combo. ♥ A tad heavy on taste from the cheeses-- cheddar is POTENT and so is blue cheese-- perhaps, but I have NO REGRETS. Cheese-punch or not, I thoroughly enjoyed EVERY SINGLE BITE. ♥ The cucumbers, also, were SO FRESH, all super-bright with their cool, crisp water content, and the mushrooms were so dearly rich in their own unique "petrichor" taste, with their foamy-firm but softly breaking texture, and they were BIG pieces, too! Dude it was just SO GREAT; I have GOT to use salads as exchange sinks (respectfully & lovingly!!) at home! ♥ Oh-- but we're just getting started, dude! Now for those OTHER vegetables! I want to say they were grilled or sauteed or something, because they were cut into HUGE thick slices, but they weren't mushy OR crisp-- they were firm but still softened, AND slightly caramelized?? They were AMAZING. ♥ Also, after I ate the big carrot/ parsnip slices and the wonderfully softened-but-solid sweet potato pieces, the bell pepper & onion bits were proving hard to scoop up SO I mixed them with the tartar sauce. Perhaps an unwise move in terms of "proper mixing"-- and I AM sorry for that-- BUT IT WORKED and it actually tasted LOVELY! Possibly because both those vegetables have a little "bite" of their own, a bitter-sweet flavor that works pretty darn well with tartar sauce, I suppose! But amusingly enough, there were also red bell peppers ON the actual fish, but Those were heavily caramelized & heat-softened & mixed with RAISINS in a uniquely sweet, non-sugary, warmly flavored compote. It was INCREDIBLE. And SO WAS THAT FISH!!! ♥♥ It was as white & soft & light as the cod, but NOT acrid or rivery-tasting really? This stuff tasted SOLIDLY of good fresh fish and it was BEAUTIFUL. ♥ Remind me to include a LOT more fish in my diet for the future, because it really is THAT GOOD. ♥ Oh, and lastly? SO WAS THE RICE! ♥ Yes, I LOVED it!! It was this unique, pinkish-orange color, with red bell pepper bits mixed in along with several BIG pieces of feta cheese! I totally forgot that stuff existed and it was SO GOOD. ♥ Dry in texture, mild but uniquely flavored, a little like blue cheese... I like it! And the rice had I think some spice in it? Or tomato flavor? Both? I couldn't quite place it, but it was SO NICE. ♥ This WHOLE MEAL was SUCH a HUGE BLESSING. ♥

3PM Snack= a pretzel NuGo bar because I love them and they are lovely. ♥ I'm getting REALLY good at timing now-- I can lovingly enjoy every bite of the NuGo and STILL finish in 7 minutes!! 10 is the average, but yeah, I can MINDFULLY do three less, now! ♥ And I REALLY love the seasalt and dark chocolate taste of the NuGos-- their chocolate taste ISN'T sugary so the salt accents-- AND the salty-crisp insides-- work perfectly to enhance the flavor without making it TOO sharply so! ♥

Dinner= vegetable lasagna, cherry pie, a side salad (w/ one giant grape tomato, several big violet cabbage pieces, lettuce, and julienned carrot), French dressing, a vanilla shake 'em up, & vanilla VHC. I will say flat-out: I was very dissociated and hypersensitive during this meal, sadly... but I didn't give up. I didn't forget God, although the devil WAS trying to hurt me into doing that. But he NEVER will. GOD IS ETERNALLY VICTORIOUS, and with contrite yet courageous gratitude & Love & shaking-but-blissful reverence for Him and His Goodness, I WILL proclaim God's beauty & victory now, AND heal my stomach & soul, by focusing wholeheartedly on praising God in this meal now-- for He WAS Present there, no matter how dissociated I was. God didn't fail in His Love, even though I was stumbling about. God never fails. He CANNOT fail... and He cannot fail to love us, either. And THAT is infinite hope; that is infinite courage. Even if I TOTALLY screw up, God is ALWAYS there for me, my eternally Loving Father, letting me learn from these mistakes BUT not letting me get lost. I have faith. Even when my knees are shaking, even when I feel totally confused, even when I do my best and things still hurt... no matter how much of a fool I may act like, or how anxious I feel, or how obsessive & superstitious I get about my decisions, ESPECIALLY when I'm trying so hard to "do the right thing" and NOT hurt or spite anyone else, especially by accident... God, my heart hurts so much at how foolish I've been. I beat myself up SO HARD for every failed effort, even when I did my best, GENUINELY so... but that's the ironic point of all of this, isn't it? I'm human. I'm imperfect. I'm GOING to "fail," simply because I AM human & imperfect... and to deny that, to reject that, to demand perfection, is ignoring & denying & effectively rejecting GOD'S presence in my life. God has Wisdom, NOT ME. God has the power and the strength, NOT ME! And when I REALIZE that, when I ACCEPT that... well, isn't that the most beautifully funny thing? When I fully admit and accept my frailty, my foolishness, my incompleteness, my imperfection... then, suddenly, there is room for God to fill me up with Himself-- He who IS Wisdom and Strength and Wholeness and true Perfection. Without God, I'm nothing, and I can do nothing. BUT God can USE ME like a paintbrush, like a prism, to let HIM shine THROUGH me, for my sake, for HIS sake within me, His child BY FAITH. It all comes down to faith, to trust, to humility, to surrender.. to Love. And as soon as that spark flares to life, God's light enters in and TOTALLY overcomes the darkness. Even if our faith is only the size of a mustard seed, God can STILL make it bloom into a huge and beautiful tree. You get the picture! But you GOTTA get out of your own head first, as it were. Step back from the skull! Look at the BIGGER picture-- the BIGGEST one!! In the end, only ONE THING matters... how much did we Love? How open were our hearts to God-- seeing Him in all things, serving Him at all times, in all things, for all things? How Christlike were we to His Creation? How fixed were our hearts on higher things? And all of that requires faith-- the TRUST that, no matter what, GOD IS ALL THAT MATTERS-- the ONLY thing that lasts. We humans will ALL die one day, and when we do, we go to Him. Heaven is not isolated... nor should we be here. If we truly wish to achieve heaven, we must meet its sole criterion-- we must bring heaven HERE, by letting God be with us NOW. Because heaven is, simply & profoundly, unity with God. Trying to live in a way that denies, overlooks, ignores, rejects, or diminishes that fact, automatically puts you in a place commonly known as hell. Separation from God. And it IS hell. It's unbearable. BUT. God is merciful. God is Loving & forgiving and He KNOWS we are weak, that we are dust, BUT he ALSO sent His SON to us, to touch our hearts and GIVE us the ability TO get to heaven... by giving Himself to us, literally... as true bread. And so it comes full circle. God is in every meal, God is in our hearts. But we have to LET HIM IN, thanks to our gift of free will-- the gift that, paradoxically, allows us to experience hell on earth... so that we CAN do what is impossible for man-- we can let God in, through faith & Love, and be brought into heaven. ♥

8PM Snack= one plain Sun Chips, and two pretzel NuGo bars. Simple but beloved faves! ♥ Just like last night. But honestly, their simple beloved comfort is exactly what I need some nights... just nice, gentle, easy-to-partake friends, God's Good gifts. So I'm glad I got to peacefully share in that again tonight. ♥ It's perfectly OK to just treasure & value the virtue of simple friendly happy comfort, you know! ♥

 

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SELF SELECT 060717 = Jun. 7th, 2017 11:30 am / #4 (LUNCH) ~WEDNESDAY 0607~ (1) D | (1) FR | (2) S | (3) M | (2) F | (1) CS
1) A large spinach salad w/ mushroom & cucumber (~V) 2) 2 tbsp blue cheese dressing (2F) 3) 2 tbsp mayonnaise (2F) 4) 1/2 cup cheddar cheese shreds (1D) 5) 6oz tilapia w/ red pepper & raisin compote (3M) 6) 1 cup Greek rice w/ feta cheese (2S) 7) 1 svg harvest vegs (yam, onion, parsnip, carrot, pepper) (~V) 8) 1 apple (1FR) 9) 1 bag salsa sun chips (1CS) 10) 1 packet tartar sauce (-) 11) 480mL decaf black tea (-)
I put the mayo, apple, cheese, AND chips in the spinach salad, and it was legit one of the BEST salads I've had in my ENTIRE LIFE. The harvest vegs were sliced HUGE and soft-firm & vaguely caramelized & WONDERFUL. I mixed the onion/pepper with the tartar and that was great, too! The tilapia was INCREDIBLE, and the compote too! The rice was dry but delicious and I enjoyed every bite. Fearless love 100%! ♥AND I finished ALL of it with two minutes to spare!!
♥almost there!= applesauce, coffee, kashi, cocktail sauce ♥new friends!= blue cheese dressing, caesar dressing, rice, feta cheese, cheddar cheese, tilapia, parsnips, sweet potatoes, red peppers, red onions, carrots, tartar sauce + jello, whole milk

 

 

Jun. 5th, 2017 09:30 am = goodbye, dear Amy & Elinor!! ♥ I love you both SO MUCH. You've truly touched my heart & changed me for the better, and I send ALL my love with you!! ♥

Breakfast= a blueberry crumbcake, vanilla Greek yogurt, an orange, vanilla soymilk, vanilla VHC, vanilla caramel tea, and a chocolate chip NuGo bar. And dude, I am SO happy to tell you-- THIS breakfast is ALSO a dearly loved fave. ♥ And do you know what THAT means?? That's right-- I 100% LOVE EVERY BREAKFAST AT LAST!!! ♥ Thank You GOD!! There was so much joy in this one today, too. I STARTED with the crumbcake, to specially savor it, and its soft, cake-fluffy, sweet-butter tone & texture were especially lovely today. I could TASTE the blueberries, too-- they're sweet, and lovely purple-blue, moist and gentle and-- like all foods of that unique indigo hue-- both serenely calm and so sweetly, luminous-glow smiling in peaceful joy inside. Indigo is quiet and "mysterious," but NOT darkly-- it's like a dawn fog before a blue sky, enveloping silently jubilant fields of tiny flowers, little oceans of life & color. Actually? No-- true Indigo is twilight fog, after a sunset. Same cool quiet bliss, different vibe! But yeah; blueberry indigo has more purple in it, I think? And it's a DAYLIGHT-heralding hue. It's beautiful-- AND perfect when paired with the warmly gentle but boundlessly happy glow of sunlight, held in that amber-yellow cake tone!! ♥ God's art manifests itself "as above so below" yet again. ♥ And the mouthfeel is so gentle & soft & light! I really love it. ♥ I ALSO love the early-morning-sunlight-bliss combo of the vanilla yogurt and the ORANGE! Seriously dude; WOW. The delicate-happy, floral pure-white vanilla of the yogurt is like flowers on an orange tree when combined with the fresh juice from that fruit! It's a fascinating unity-- the hues combine without losing themselves?? They DON'T taste "peach," or pale orange-- it tastes white AND light-bright orange AT ONCE. It's a flavor LAYER! I wonder what determines unities like that? Either way, it's BLISSFUL. ♥ They complement each other so gorgeously-- as do the vanilla VHC and the chocolate NuGo! HOT DANG! The vanilla soy, with its always-beautifully-gentle mild yellow-vanilla tone and matte-silk-white tofu tone (so subtle but SO good; I need better descriptive words for that soy-milk taste), is too mild to optimally pair with the NuGo's stronger soy-crisp taste, accented with salt and agave and matte-silky chocolate. The colors don't quite mesh? BUT the heavier, creamier, saltier and richer taste of the VHC MATCHES the NuGo's vibe strength, AND is superclose in hue-tone to the crisps, I think? But THAT heavier, beige vanilla is BEAUTIFUL with it. Which I discovered on a whim! Chocolate & vanilla are like flower blooms & leaves in terms of color meshing-- there are SO many variations, but not all of them match up optimally! It's an ART SCIENCE and I LOVE IT. ♥ Again, I WILL write more about it elsewhere-- I want to LEGIT write a book and/ or blog about this stuff for the literal glory & praise of God's infinite Creative wonder, His Loving Generosity in allowing us to not only experience but also PARTICIPATE in it, and to actively respect & joyfully revere Him IN the gifts-- as I talked about extensively on Thursday. ♥ So look forward to that-- especially because I have a NEW vanilla experience to add to the list today, again thanks to Jena's dad... vanilla caramel tea!! OH MY GOODNESS. Now THAT is a match made in heaven-- even moreso than vanilla and chocolate!! Caramel is a much warmer tone, which matches vanilla's warmer leanings, and that particular tone's flavor has a different sweet- type than chocolate's darker-brown tendencies do-- which is why MILK chocolate goes better with warm vanillas! And, again, there are SO many beauteous variations... but, right here & now, tea vanilla is a warmer tone than most others (liquid tones are tricky to distinguish; maybe they're better suited TO more subtle descriptions, like smell or sound or something? I don't quite know yet; I'll explore! ♥ And remember they are ALSO heavily affected by temperature, moreso than food, because of their subtlety & mutability), and caramel is such a rich warm tone, and united at an equally warm temperature, WITH the grounding brown-black bitter beauty of tea leaves deep down... it's splendid. I have to use that word because it FEELS like a smile and my heart is just SO JOYOUS today! ♥ God's glory is brilliantly, beautifully, bounteously evident in EVERY atom of EVERYTHING and I can both SEE and FEEL it today, SO strongly, SO blessedly...!! But such is the awesome wonder of God's Mighty Hand, guiding me in His Wise Plan even through the valleys of death... because, as you ALL know, and as I have so lovingly embraced into my heart, in even the tiniest instances of death, Life STILL reigns victorious, through our Lord Jesus Christ-- God's incarnate Word, His Beloved Son... Love made human. The very manifestation of Live conquering death, of death transmuted INTO LIFE. And God used ALL my "deaths" to bring me here. ♥

Lunch= three potato pierogi w/ butter & parsley, breaded chicken, a strawberry syrup mini-sundae, 2% milk, and vanilla VHC. I'm a little concerned-- something in my brain is still "afraid of/ bitter towards" straight-up milk. Not cheese, or butter, or yogurt, or any other derivative... just MILK. And when that distortion even sees "milk" on a label, it gets that same reaction BUT THAT'S ALL TRICKERY! It's all female-condemning distortion!! Why do you think this unit is full of WOMEN? Because the devil has LIED through American culture, through abuse and manipulation and twisting the truth and outright falsehood, and SO many woman are, in a very visceral way, afraid of being women. Heck, what else would you expect, in a culture where such phrases as "throwing/ fighting like a girl," "girly things," and "screaming/ crying like a (LITTLE!) girl," are viewed as INSULTS? And let's not even get started on the subtly toxic, nauseating evils of the cosmetic & fashion & DIET industries, to say the least-- entire societal structures that only FUNCTION as they currently are through twisting & condemning what it means to be female. A woman's natural face & hair are now, by subtle omission, being viewed as "ugly." Without added hair color or style, or without makeup, a woman's REAL face might even be viewed as unnatural by some who have been manipulated into only valuing false showy "prettiness"-- and THAT is what makes women terrified of "growing old"-- cosmetics tells them that they can't be beautiful with wrinkles or thinning hair, which is a TOTAL LIE... as is the fashion AND diet industry lie of "you can only be pretty/ valuable if you're THIN"... and then they twist that even FURTHER by making "thin & tiny" = "sexy," and now those industries are blatantly sexualizing LITTLE GIRLS, while ALSO telling ADULT WOMEN, who God INTENDED to be fuller & heavier & rounder & softer for the sake of HAVING CHILDREN and REFLECTING THE SACRED FEMININE, that such a naturally-reflected, perfectly normal, GOD-GIVEN body change is bad... and in some cases, slutty and ugly. It's a TRAVESTY and I don't want to elaborate any more on the details here for the sake of space... but as it applies to eating disorders and the women here, myself included? We fear womanly bodies. We fear being "ugly" and therefore "worthless" in society's eyes. We seek childlike thinness to escape the threat of "worthlessness" AND the "ugly" judgment of womanly roundness, but then the whole hypersexualization issue hits on BOTH sides, as children NOT WANTING to grow up so fast, AND as women terrified by projected-promiscuity and the fear of objectification AND the terror of a mature, reproductively-capable and EVIDENCING body that they are still not ready for, OR understanding of, AND terrified of. Basically! It's a mess, and I LEGIT could write a book about it, but for now? Well, in light of that mess, it's no wonder so many E.D. victims are scared of fat... of oil... of butter. Of milk. Even of things like chocolate & sugar. Even of mammalian foods. Food, in general, is FEMININE, and it is ALSO sexual, yes I'm serious because I have DEALT with it for years, but it's sexuality in the way GOD INTENDED. It's life GIVING itself to create NEW life. It's creative. It's nourishing. It's PHYSICAL AND spiritual, bodies AND souls, and it's ALL FEMININE!!! SO. Boiled down to the core, a war against femininity is a war against LIFE... and an eating disorder is at war with BOTH. And so, step #1 in conquering it, is to EMBRACE LIFE by embracing FEMININITY, which the E.D. hates. And so I choose to Love NO MATTER WHAT, conquering those lies with TRUTH! I love the milk, AND the ice cream, AND the butter, for milk is THE ultimate feminine food... I love the sugar, sweet like all girls... I love the potatoes & strawberries, FRUITS of plants & the earth, inherently feminine as well... I love the flour, also a fruit of the earth, and a staple food to nourish countless children... I love the parsley, an herb that exists TO give itself as a food, like all plants, again like mothers, like Nature "herself"... and I love the chicken, who probably gave HER breast for this meal, to give her life for mine to grow. God is evident and present in ALL of it... and, through it also, in me. ♥

3PM Snack= a mint chocolate NuGo. I "defaulted" to one as the "most comforting" snack option, in a way solely because of the mint, but... then it hit me. I love the whole thing, chocolate and all. And there WAS a time when I, due to fear's lies, avoided mint-chocolate specifically. BUT NO MORE! Love WINS. Love will FOREVER WIN. I refuse fear's lies. I CHOOSE to be a fearless, fully open gateway for Love to enter the world through. And this is part of it. ♥

Dinner= vanilla VHC, meatloaf, french fries, an oatmeal raisin cookie, ranch dressing, a spinach salad (w/ mushrooms, 2 grape tomatoes, & 1/3 of an egg), and a single ketchup packet. Also, I have to be brutally honest and flat-out admit that I've lapsed into drinking hot sauce packets again. I know that's disordered behavior; in the past I'd drink bottles of it. I need to stop, but I keep compulsively thinking I "HAVE" to drink it for "medicinal" reasons, mainly as a digestive aid. But regardless of such "justifications," one big indisputable fact still stands-- it's DISORDERED BEHAVIOR. It is a blatantly bad example, it's RUDE, and it makes ME feel super guilty & ashamed. At this point, I REALLY think I CAN and SHOULD trust my heart when it feels that way about something. That's CONSCIENCE, dude!! That's God-given LEGIT and so, no matter how "difficult" it may be to act in total Loving-obedience opposition TO disorder-- because a disorder, by its very nature, WILL fight & struggle & hurt-- I HAVE TO QUIT. It's only right. So let's leave that at that, and go on to actively choosing loving healthy behavior NOW, in choosing to focus on, and therefore strengthen & perpetuate & bless, the GOOD! Starting with my dear salad. I really love spinach, with its uniquely soft-but-crisp-stemmed texture, richly "umami-chlorophyll" dark green flavor, and bright living vegetable vibe... and I really love mushrooms, too, with their foam-soft texture, lovely petrichor taste, and moist-but-dry unique quality of structure. And those little umbrella-fan bits!! And of course, you all know that I love eggs, with their also-unique fresh white-blue taste and yellow yolks, which taste SO different boiled than otherwise, like in sunny-side-up eggs, BUT which still have that particular heart-taste that I have no descriptive words for yet but dearly love. AND I'm so glad that, thanks to meeting them so often here, I've become such good friends with tomatoes! ♥ They're so sweetly, brightly red, full of fresh water and with that lovely firm-but-giving texture, gelly insides & a firm but thin skin on top. Fruits in general are so nice & fascinating-- and they get even more interesting when dried, like the raisins in our dear cookie friend! This week it's soft again, with that lovely oaty texture in with the flour, and that particular brown-sugar sweetness that only cookies like this seem to have. And the raisins in it are such a lovely complement to it-- their color and taste both! The purplish tone is lovely with that pale but warm brown, and their sweet but tart quality works well with the oats-- unsurprisingly, considering what tomorrow's breakfast will be, brown sugar and all! But yes, adding the flour to the oats gives it a really cool mouthfeel-- and of course, cooking makes a difference too. But it's awesome how it WORKS. Alchemy, kids. God's infinite potential for new creativity even within that which He already Created! Honestly, EVERY TIME I consider how PROFOUNDLY we humans have been blessed in being allowed TO participate in that Creativity, by letting HIM work THROUGH us, even more stupendously... for His glory & praise & love, in us. Through us. By us... for us, in Him. It's incredible. It's beautiful. It makes life all the more precious & deserving of the UTMOST love & respect & gratitude, for EVERY little thing, every little wonder... AND it demands a courageously devoted & loving responsibility in everything we do, too. Which I honestly adore. It's the sweetest "burden" I could ever carry. "For my yoke is easy," as He said. It's 100% true. But it's still a yoke, bucko! And THANK GOD, because if HE wasn't the One guiding us so, we all know there are WAY too many malevolent forces out there trying to shackle us instead. Which I refuse, and will continue to refuse, by carrying this hearty load, pun intended... and by bringing God's Love, through me, His lowly but loving servant, to all the places He sends me, where His love is sorely needed... like TO THIS MEATLOAF, which so many patients openly despise, and which I GENUINELY LOVE. So I refuse to let that lie corrupt my True feelings! I LOVE this meatloaf, dude. Legit. Its texture is so unique; it's a solid thing BUT it's not a "whole unit" like a meat patty-- it's ground meat shaped into that loaf form, with a brown-pink color and a little bit of browned-firmness on the surface & edges, stiffening it. It has a great mouthfeel, chewy-soft but surprisingly springy? And those little bits of fat here & there, too, are real nice! It's a good meat. This is a good meal! ♥ And I promise you, no matter what, I'm going to KEEP IT THAT WAY... with God's help! ♥

8PM Snack= triple Pretzel NuGo night! You wanna talk about legit chocolate pretzel taste? LET'S TALK ABOUT LEGIT CHOCOLATE PRETZEL TASTE. It's gotta be the salt content blending with the soy & rice crisps that does it, PLUS whatever makes this flavor "denser" in its inner-firmness than the other flavors. But yeah, the flavor is virtually exact, and it is FANTASTIC. I enjoyed this snack SO MUCH... and I'm so glad it's now made me eager to fully heal REAL pretzels!! ♥

 

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UPMC MEAL PLAN IDEAS = Jun. 5th, 2017 11:45 am / 1 D, 2 S, 3 P, 1 F, 1 CS
1) 2 slices toast w/ 4 slices cheese & 1 butter pat // 1 bag potato chips 2) salad w/ peas & chickpeas, avocado, cheese, 2 eggs, sunflower seeds? 3) hot dog, 2 cheeses, frozen yogurt w/ nuts? 4) popcorn, hummus? on toast, yogurt, S = || P = |||| F = 0? D = ||? FR = | CS = | (base meal around this!)
P= tofu, beans, or a new meat? ★ pick the "scariest" thing? S= sourdough? D= whole milk and/or new yogurt FR= berries, dried fruit, OR naked drink CS= overnight oats? cheesecake? +salad? try ALL NEW HEALING THINGS!!! ♥MAKE ART!!!♥ combos= pizza, mac & cheese, pasta,

 

 

Jun. 3rd, 2017 09:30 am = let your heart sparkle! ★★★

Breakfast= oatmeal, raisins, a blueberry pop tart, a strawberry pop tart, vanilla VHC, vanilla soymilk, a strawberry Nutrigrain bar, and cinnamon tea (a surprise from Jena's dad)! And I'll tell you what, just like Bernie-- this breakfast is now a FAVE. ♥ Yes, this one, that I originally met with such anxiety & protest; poor darling! I was blind to the love & light in it nevertheless, by the grace of God... but now? Through faith, hope, & sheer indomitable devoted determination to LOVE, by that SAME blessed beloved God-given grace, now I CAN see, AND taste, AND feel that love & light within it, with it, within me-- figuratively and literally, of course. ♥ But yes, today was the key. Why? Because I took the last "proper respect" step-- and I HEATED THE POP TARTS. ♥ DUDE I HAD NO IDEA IT WOULD MAKE THAT BIG OF A BEAUTIFUL DIFFERENCE. Don't get me wrong; cold PopTarts are beautiful too; but they are MEANT to be heated-- and NOW I SEE WHY! ♥ Their fruity filling CHANGES. The sugars caramelize, and the flavor mellows-- heat does that to things!-- changing the cold-sugar sharpness of intensity into a warm-sugar wideness, if that makes sense?-- but best of all, the TEXTURE SHIFTS!! It, too caramelizes! ♥ It's no longer stiffly-gel solid, but more like the Nutrigrain filling in flow? BUT, Nutrigrains don't have heat-sticky-firm bits!!! ♥ And I LOVE that stuff! The heat ALSO mellows the icing sweetness to match, WITHOUT changing its feeling of childlike joyful sugar-sparkle, AND it mellows the BISCUIT flavor, enhancing its "salty" buttery undertone, and softening its texture just a little-- making it similar to the pie crust? But not crumbly like it! In any case, trust me when I say IT IS WONDERFUL. ♥ I am SO GLAD I got to have them BOTH today like that, too! ♥ I'm looking forward to next Saturday so I can treasure them again & deepen the data! Similarly, I must reiterate that I truly love the Nutrigrain bars, too-- IN THE NOW. I've realized that I was previously shackling them to past fears & unsafe environments, and other sad things... which is totally unfair! The food is innocent and GOOD, and it never had a say in what it was associated with in the past-- BUT! I have a say in how I protect & cherish it NOW! ♥ And now, it is soft & childlike & sweet & gentle, its grain-sweet & soft outside lovely & embracing that deep red lovely strawberry inside so perfectly. And the oatmeal & raisins, too, are BEAUTIFULLY GOOD in the present, too! ♥ Together, they are humble & comforting & sweet & happy, their textures so cool together-- and today, I ALSO added a tiny bit of the VHC-- and DUDE that REALLY added an extra tone of pure-sweet-gentle vanilla warmth!! I've GOT to do that again in the future! But yes, by itself even, I really love the VHC! It has such a boss consistency, all creamy & "pancake batter thick" as everyone said it would be-- and which is AWESOME. And its flavor, slightly different than the Ensure (a little mellower?), is also great! It's "heavier" than the soymilk's lovely light sweetness, but it's NOT sugary like the Ensure was... and of course, I'm also amusingly fond of that "multivitamin" aftertaste! Same with our old friend, the soymilk-- there's such a playful delicacy to its flavor, but it's just so HAPPY, even though it's also so serene! I really do love it. Guess what ELSE I love? THE CINNAMON TEA!!! ♥ It's a brand-new, special limited-edition joy for real-- Jena's father brought TWO BAGS on his last visit, and Jena thought of me & my love of spiced teas (honestly she is SUCH A SWEETHEART; I love her dearly & just wish we could be closer-- I'll have to find ways to relate to & reach out to her more when she's feeling well), and so I now had the EXTRA breakfast bliss today of CINNAMON TEA! I keep capitalizing it because it really was JUST THAT AWESOME. It's also just that simple... cinnamon tea. Just... take a look at those two words, combine 'em, and TREASURE the result. I already love cinnamon, and I've become very fond of black tea, so when you put those two strong & lovely tastes together? Yeah. It's LOVELY x 2. And it was ALSO the PERFECT FLAVOR COMPLEMENT to the oatmeal & raisins & VHC beautiful combo!! Man. If they didn't frown on mixing drinks here-- ironically, because if you've ever been to a coffee shop they are ALL about mixing drinks (but really, it's actually about keeping vigilant track of fluid amounts)-- I would have TOTALLY mixed it with the vanilla VHC. Their tones are a PERFECT match, honestly. But hey, if I can't do so here, that's a joy I can look forward to perpetuating at home! ♥

Lunch= SELF-SELECT #2!! ♥ Now that I have a much clearer grasp of how this works & what to do, it's a source of SHEER JOY for me. Not only is the environment beautiful-- wide open spaces, high ceilings, moving cool air, bright wide windows lining the walls AND ceiling edges-- but the EXPERIENCE itself is just so freeing. It's so liberating-- not just because I can walk about IN that openness & look at all the varieties of food, God's beautiful Created life-giving living things-- not just because it's NOT isolated or hyperfocused or cramped or unnaturally silent-- and not even just because I get to experience the sheer joy of FREE BUT STRUCTURED CREATIVITY-- my favorite, a sandbox but with defining walls-- in being given an exhanges-to-meet list but then having TOTAL freedom of choice to figure out how to meet those exchanges, without going over in exchanges or portions, WITH the limited selection at the cafeteria, that VARIES every day! But yes, as a result, today was a vaster challenge of opportunity & discovery, blessedly so, and for today's equally blessed lunch, SO new, I chose: a wheat flour pita w/ lettuce & tomato, corned beef lunchmeat, provolone cheese, & mayonnaise; apple slices w/ caramel sauce; a container of Kashi GoLean crunch; white chocolate cappuccino; decaf coffee; & chai tea. I also admittedly had seven hot sauce packets but that just SOLIDLY CONFIRMED that I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT! So I WON'T. ♥ Let's focus on everything that went WELL! ♥

3PM Snack= well kids, I finally did it. I made a SNACK OPTION GRAB BAG, and the first one I picked was an orange magic cup, so here we are! I got to eat it in the COMPUTER ROOM while talking to GRANT (who is awesome) and even though it was TOTALLY FROZEN it was... dare I say... MAGICAL. ♥ I'm totally serious guys, it tasted so happy. I'm so glad God surprise-blessed me with this little gift! ♥

Dinner= breaded chicken tenders w/ pepper, french fries, a single ketchup packet, strawberry yogurt, fig newtons, and vanilla VHC. I flippin' love this dinner you guys. Let's start with those NEWTONS! Like this morning's dear Nutrigrain, once I lovingly freed these dear fruit bars from past-vibe shackles, releasing them new & free into the NOW-- again, THANK GOD for my paradoxical blessing of memory issues & detachment from the past-- they became TOTALLY FEARLESS & LOVED! ♥ The fig filling, full of blissful-texture tiny seeds, and sun-browned-purple "caramelized" dried-fruit sweetness, just a little tart at the edges like the raisins, but not as "sharp," surprisingly! I wonder why that is? I'll have to look it up. But in any case, like the raisins in the oatmeal, the figs & the golden-brown-tinted flour here go so well together. Interestingly, I don't think it'd work the other way around? Like, the raisins have a more intense tartness & sweetness both, and need the super-mild-gentle oats to hold them best... whereas the figs are still sweet & tart, but less so, AND more blue-leaning in sweetness, maybe?? It IS a notably different color tone in any case, and color is VITA when it comes to combos & unities! But yes, no way to compare that here, except in memory data! Still, the Newtons are dearly enjoyed now, pun intended. ♥ The strawberry yogurt is ALSO dearly enjoyed, not just because of that BLISSFULLY FROTHY mouthfeel, which I genuinely love, but ALSO because of its particular pink taste-- it's more pastel than the Greek kind and not leaning blue like the cake filling, but it's not red either, like the fillings & syrups... it's like, a childlike pink? Especially with those little red berry bits in it! It's soft & gently sweet, but the sweetness is so clear-- the actual strawberry flavor is quite mild, and actually feels secondary to the vibe?? It's hard to put into words! You'll have to be patient with me; I'll try it again soon and give you clearer data then. At least now I know what to describe & pay extra attention to!! The only "succinct" thing I can say is that this strawberry yogurt is like, "plush" almost? Vibe-wise? That "childlike" feel keeps sticking out in my head. But yeah. I'll get back to you on it later on. For today, I truly loved it, and that's enough. ♥ You know, that's something I've been feeling a LOT lately with these journals-- yes, it's very helpful & respectful & loving to actively SHOW my gratitude & Love & praise of God both in & for His gifts of food & friendship & healing, which is what I specifically keep this journal for, and WANT to KEEP doing-- and it ALSO helps my memory & focus, obviously-- but sometimes, I worry that in the writing, I worry so much about "data" that it's taking away from the actual experiences? Like that yogurt-- yes, I loved it, but if I can't describe it clearly enough afterwards, I feel I'm losing sight of that love. And if I try too hard to "GET data" during a meal, it can take away from simple enjoyment. BUT. I NEED BOTH!!! So there HAS to be a BALANCE, a harmony-- I need to simply talk about what I DO remember, in grateful childlike love & praise of God, without obsessing over what I don't remember today-- and, when I AM eating, I must be AWARE of that loving purpose, and get more, purer, clearer data through LOVING attention-- AND, not surprisingly, through Laurie's help!!! "Describe it to me," she always asks, then peppers me with specific questions-- BUT!!! She ALSO affirms & encourages my LOVE & GRATITUDE, adding in "you're really enjoying that, huh?" or "So what's your favorite thing about this food?" ACTIVE love! After all, I can praise all I want after, but it's the NOW MOMENT that we SHOW Love in, and keeping my mind & motives & total experience FIXED ON LOVE in such an actively PARTICIPATORY way, is what matters most. ♥ So, what do I love about the fries? Their oily taste, their firm & chewy golden pointy ends, their starchy-airy potato insides, the soft cushy bite & mouthfeel of the bendy fries, the way the firmer fries are just a but crisp when you bite them, and the golden-oil taste tone it all has, rich enough that they don't need salt! And what do I love about the CHICKEN? Their peppery-spicy heat, the crisp-hard breading texture, the fact that it's HARD at the very ends but not crunchy, the smooth bready mouthfeel, the juicy taste of the chicken, and those little bits of fat through the bottom! And the VHC? I love its thickness, its creamy consistency, its warm but gentle vanilla taste, and that unique vitaminy tone. And THAT'S the data that counts! ♥

8PM Snack= the final "challenge" options: a berry magic cup, a chocolate syrup mini-sundae, & the tiny chocolate/ vanilla ice creams! I REALLY like the magic cups & sundaes again, thank Goodness; the berry cup is very "potent sweet" but it IS lovely! Same goes for the heavy syrup-chocolate of the sundae-- very sweet, but truly nice. And those little ice creams are growing on me, too! Just remember-- KEEP YOUR HEART OPEN, DUDE!!! ♥


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SELF SELECT 060317 =Jun. 3rd, 2017 11:30 am / #2 (LUNCH) ~SATURDAY 060317~ ♥ = 8 ★ = 5 ✦ = 0 / (S) 3 | (P) 3 | (F) 2 | (D) 1 | (FR) 1
♥1) Wheat flour pita (2S) ★2) Lunchmeat: corned beef; 3oz (3P) ♥3) Provolone cheese; 2 slices (1D) ♥4) Lettuce & tomato (~V) ♥5) Mayonnaise; 5 tbsp? (3F) ♥6) Apple slices (1FR) ♥7) Caramel sauce (-) ★8) Kashi soy/ wheat/ fiber cereal (1S) ★9) White chocolate cappuccino; 120mL (-)
★10) Decaf coffee; 120mL (-) ♥11) Chai tea; 360mL (-) ♥12) Decaf black tea; 350mL (-) ★13) Hot sauce; 7 packets (-)
the pita has a GORGEOUS taste & texture! the caramel & apples were really NICE! the cereal was actually NICE and even better with the cappuccino in it! but data is unclear for: lunchmeat, provolone, cappuccino although I DID sincerely love them all very much! ♥
♥keep loving! = applesauce, whole milk, jello, hot sauce ♥new friends! = wheat pita, provolone, caramel, chai tea, corned beef lunchmeat, white chocolate cappuccino ♥almost there!= kashi golean crunch, coffee
upcoming friendships= pepperjack cheese, onion kaiser roll, french roll, marble rye, croissant, turkey lunchmeat✔, foccacia bread, strawberry jello, cookies & cream sundae, roasted veggie salad, orange pekoe tea, english breakfast tea, breaded fish, lemon poppyseed cake, blueberry bagel, french vanilla cappuccino, big cookies, ice cream cookie sandwiches, salad dressings✔, cake squares w/ frosting

 

 

 

Jun. 1st, 2017 09:30 am = time & wisdom. ♥

Breakfast= two turkey sausage links, sauteed potato squares, a cheese omelette, orange juice, vanilla soymilk, and vanilla VHC. The sausages aren't dry! They're legit juicy, AND nicely oiled, without it being oily, so to speak. They're also peppery, AND salty, which is quite strong but not sharp. It fits well with the mellowing oil, and the taste of the meat-- which, still, has a heart like Sunday's turkey, but heated to firmness & thicker flavor. And one bite even had a PEPPERCORN in it! But all in all, it's not a "mottled" meat texture like the meatloaf, nor is it dry like a burger, or "denser" like chicken, OR as soft as the tenders! Sausages always have that slightly rubbery skin-resistance, and a uniform inner texture, slightly varying here & there with fat & meat tones but altogether soft-solid & harmonious. I really enjoyed them today-- bless the turkey whose life allowed its passing-on to pass life on further to me. ♥ And I always enjoy the potatoes! They DO have an inner texture like french fries, but their outer "soft shell" of oil-fried starch is softer, not chewy at all-- and there's STILL SKIN on these potatoes! ♥ So I think they're yellow ones. They're so lovely. They still have that savory-sweet paprika taste that I noticed last time, and still that warm vermilion color-tone. But they're not salty! Which is nice-- their inherent flavor is just the right balance of neutral-warm potato and warm-hue spices and warm-glow oil. Adding the sharpness of salt-- or even ketchup, with its punch of darker red piquancy-- would completely overwhelm those mellow heats. There's a science to it, my friend-- there's an art! ♥ The same goes for my dear cheese omelette, I'm beginning to think. I love eggs, AND I love cheese, but in the omelettes here there is very little of the latter. However! I'm wondering... since omelettes ARE so fluffy & light, almost sweet as a result of that air content addition, and so delicately "buttery" from the oil that ever-so-lightly crisps & further air-pockets the omelette's outermost layer with brown-fried lightness... basically, since omelettes here are altogether gentle & soft in flavor & texture & hue, I actually think that too much cheese would totally overpower them! Yes, American orange cheese is relatively mild (but very delicious), AND it's a beautiful color match, BUT! It's still rich in tone-taste, and any more than what the omelettes currently have would overwhelm the delicate eggy taste that also currently holds that minimal-but-perfect cheese SO well. I told you dude; it's ART! It's MUSIC! If one color or one instrument is too loud, you can't fully grasp or appreciate the other colors & instruments beyond it. Harmony is key. Balance is beautiful. And we've got it! ♥ So I cannot complain; I have too much deep, respectful, awed love & appreciation for that harmony & balance & God-given WISDOM that creates AND allows for it, to even consider complaining-- in light of Love, complaints cannot exist! ♥ Which, obviously, is why I CANNOT dislike anything, why I ALWAYS find reasons (perpetually present) to like & love EVERY little thing, especially food, in this treatment journey... AND it's why it hurts SO MUCH when OTHERS don't like certain foods, or even outright despise them. It's so unjust. It's so distorted... it's so unkind. And then I want to sob because here I am, forever in Love with ALL of it... and then someone says they hate some part of it. That hurts. Disgust, disdain, outright rejection... it's agonizing to my heart, and even MORESO because I'm an EMPATH and I can TANGIBLY UNDERSTAND WHY they feel that way. BUT IT'S ALL A DISTORTION. Anything that's NOT Love doesn't actually exist. And so... I feel both their pain and my love, and suddenly it's war-- and I have to fight WITH my heart, by not attacking-- by sheathing all weapons, and just CONQUERING WITH LOVE, BY GOD'S GRAVE. And THAT'S the key to any and ALL victory... faith. TRUST. "For THINE is the Power..." Victory is GOD'S ALONE, and if I want to TRULY Love everything, I HAVE to let HIM do so THROUGH ME... by seeing HIM IN EVERYTHING, ALWAYS, NO MATTER WHAT!! So yes. I got a little "off topic" there, but it's still 100% relevant. And especially so for our last items-- the smooth & lightly sweet & always gentle soymilk, the beautifully thick & creamy, richly flavored & lovely sweet VHC, AND the warm-sun amber-bright taste of the orange juice, with its slight tart afterbite, and its high-toned fresh body-flavor. Whatever demon keeps insisting that I "don't like OJ" is a LIAR and so are the demons that say I "don't like soymilk" OR the VHC. LIARS, all of 'em, and IGNORANT of God's Truth, and HIS LOVE working IN & THROUGH ME!!! Because the TRUTH is-- I LOVE the VHC. I LOVE the soymilk. AND I LOVE the orange juice!!! And I will CONTINUE to Love all of it, fiercely and joyously, testifying to God's INDOMITABLE Glory & Presence & Generosity, by BEING Love and SEEING Love and PRAISING Love, always. ♥

 

Lunch= a veggie burger on a wheat bun w/ lettuce, tomato, And American AND Swiss cheese, potato salad, orange juice, vanilla VHC, and an ice cream sandwich. I ate the ice cream first, but for a very special reason today-- I had been legitimately considering skipping or purging it. I'm dead serious. I got so distraught over my rising weight this morning, that I nearly gave in to E.D. despair with that thought process. BUT. And this is the amazing, beautiful, thanks-be-to-God-FOREVER part... I didn't. I COULDNT! And why? Because my love is now INFINITELY more powerful than those distortions. I love the food too much to purge it. I love my fellow patients too much to restrict. I love myself too much to sabotage my health, treatment, AND reputation with relapse behavior. And I love GOD too much to not do everything for HIS Glory. And the only decision that would accomplish that today was LOVINGLY EATING THE ICE CREAM. So... I did. I forgave the number on the scale-- it is a sign of HEALING, of SURVIVING, or TRUE PROGRESS-- and I forgave myself for the pain-blind disordered thoughts, and then I THANKED GOD for the chance to CONQUER them, and to do so with UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. And so it was. ♥ I enjoyed every bite of that ice cream, 100%, all soft sweet cool vanilla-cloud-cream and soft-stickyflour chocolate biscuit-sweet sandwichy bits, absolutely blessed & blissful-- a precious innocent thing I could never have purged or skipped, to be sincere-- I loved it too much. The orange uice was as warmly toned but refreshingly cool and amber-tart-sweet as always, and the vanilla VHC was wonderful after the ice cream especially-- FAR thicker & FAR richer, a warmer and more grounded vanilla, but still beautifully delicious and cool and sweet. As for that potato salad? They ARE red potatoes-- the skins are still on them!-- and their texture is still so wonderfully firm-but-soft, vaguely "crisp" at the "edges," but nearing that blissful "french fry" soft-starch feel nevertheless... but as for the rest of the potato salad? All that mayo & celery & green pepper (not the paprika, I must add-- I ate that first, all lovely-mild-vermilion on top of the deliciously creamy-cultured mayonnaise)? It didn't stay in the bowl-- it went ON THE BURGER. And perhaps that was foolish, but I wanted to try it-- that special white tang paired with the fresh green living lettuce alone is GORGEOUS; the pinkish-red, tart-sweet-fresh tomato also sings well with it, sharing that touch of tang, and playing so happily with the mayo; and obviously the wheat bread ALSO does super-well with the bright white color, the eggy-rich-cultured flavor, and softening influence... but mainly I wanted to taste what sort of harmony it would make with the veggie burger. My mistake? Mayo doesn't go with cheese. They're too much at odds, in tang vs mellow-rich, in stark sharp white vs warmer mild oranges & yellows. They give the same combined effect as an out-of-phase soundwave, and because of that, I couldn't grasp the cheese very well at all-- a criminal oversight in my combining decision, because there was SWISS on it today, a special gift that I ignorantly spurned in my hyper-spontaneous foolish unwise choice. And, as expected, THAT creeping conscience-guilt & shame caused me to severely dissociate, and I struggled to grasp it the whole time, BUT. LOVE NEVER FAILS, even if it's hindered. And I put my WHOLE HEART into it anyway... and I'll tell you what-- Swiss cheese tastes BEAUTIFUL when melted, and paired with that mushroom-soy-pepper-carrot burger taste, warm & rich & brown & a little peppery, it's GORGEOUS. Add the American cheese, too, and it's even BETTER-- and then, adding THAT to the bread/ lettuce/ tomato song it already loves, WITH that new but clumsy potatosalad song? Even if I went about it foolishly, even if I was distracted... God still wrought His beauty impeccably. And now? Next week, I can love it even DEEPER. ♥

3PM Snack= a chocolate chip NuGo bar. Simple, but sweetly so! ♥ I realized I hadn't been paying close enough loving attention to them, and if 3PM snack is good for anything (it is ♥), it's PERFECT for peaceful, focused, solid loving healing & focus! ♥ And yes, this flavor STILL tastes like a legit soft-baked chocolate chip cookie, right out of the oven & cooled. It's COOL. ♥ Thank You, God.

Dinner= baked chicken breast w/ herbs (no garlic today), instant mashed potatoes (no pepper today), corn (which had pepper today!), a butter pat, vanilla VHC, and bread pudding bites w/ whipped cream. Ah yes, my weekly victory meal-- my dear little celebratory dinner in honor of love's conquering power over even the biggest fears that plague us. Love NEVER fails; Love CANNOT fail, for Love is THE TRUTH, and anything & everything that is NOT Love cannot be. By the very virtue of existence ITSELF, fear is impossible. Hatred and pride and all those other ugly-feelings aren't real. Only Love, only GOD and His Infinite Goodness, are real... infinite and eternal, AND omnipresent, for He Created ALL things, and therefore, by virtue of existence literally only existing BY and THROUGH and FOR God... existence itself is holy. Every Created thing is sacred, blessed, literally touched by the Hand Of God, being only because HE IS, and remains so IN all things, forever, for His sake... for the glory of their Creator, Who made ALL things, for Good, to be Good. And THAT is THE TRUTH, no matter how many lies attempt (and inevitably fail!) to contest that... lies like eating disorders. BUT!!! God, in His infinite unfathomable Love & Grace & mercy & Justice, has called me, little me, HIS CREATION too, to glorify Him IN His Creation (myself included!!!) by TESTIFYING, through my healing from that E.D. lie, TO the Truth of God's inherent, immortal, inexorable Presence in His ENTIRE Creation... especially in food. Honestly, did you ever realize just how beautiful and humbling and mysterious and awe-inspiring the simple CONCEPT of food is??? It brings me to my knees for God's literal sake!!! It's a Truth of CHRIST, woven into the very function of Creation... life, giving itself over to death, in order to sustain more life, in order to literally TRANSMUTE death INTO Life!!! And THAT is why I am mortified & horrified that I once fell victim to E.D. lies... because, in a very special way, food is HOLY. Legit holy. Right now in my life, that is SELF-EVIDENT, in what I've just told you and in everything else I've written in my past 2 journals here. Food is a gift from God, intended SPECIFICALLY to, in a very special way, testify to a very mysterious, ineffably BEAUTIFUL facet of the NATURE OF GOD. I could literally write a book about it at this point (I really should), but suffice to say-- Christ's message, is Sacrifice, His Sacrament, secretly point to something deep in ALL life that just hit me recently... everything is food. In one way or another, literally AND metaphorically, ALL life exists TO feed all life... through death. Through sacrifice of 'self,' in one way or another, even in the MOST literal way. Again, I can write a book, but... I'm food. My body can be eaten to nourish & sustain Life in another Created Thing, another Creation of God. As a woman, I can potentially do that even WITHOUT physically dying!! And THAT'S INCREDIBLE. It's also a HUGE part of my healing process but that's for another time-- right now, I just want to say that ALL of us are also able to "die without dying," to feed Life in subtler but no less vital ways... spiritual foods, like time, words, art, music, touch, love manifested in its infinitely self-giving nature in EVERY aspect of Life. LOVE IS FOOD. Therefore, food is LOVE, and an E.D. can't see that. But GOD CONQUERS ALL THAT, and He did in me, BY His Spirit opening my eyes to that awe-inspiring truth... and so, in short? Now, every Thursday evening, I can lovingly eat all this literal love, in total victory over the lies that once blinded me. Corn is my friend. Love won, beautifully. ♥

8PM Snack= Cheddar sun chips, SALSA Sun Chips (they have returned at last!), and DORITOS-- which are not only actually really good, but they also have only 140cal per bag! Now THAT was a surprise. BUT. I cannot let that be a door for E.D. restrictive/ fearful compulsions!!! So although they're great, I gotta pair 'em up with a higher-cal option if I feel that dis-ease creepin'. Don't you touch my chummy time chips, boyo!


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UPMC SELF SELECT GOALS = Jun. 1st, 2017 10:00 am
★CHALLENGE ALL DISORDERED THOUGHTS!!! Remember: our ultimate, perpetual goal is to ACTIVELY LOVE ALL FOODS AS GOD'S CREATIVE GIFTS! His Spirit is in ALL things, without exception, and EVERY food item EVER comes from HIS HANDS.
Food is GOOD and INNOCENT, and I WANT to love ALL of it!!
★We WILL be eating foods here that we don't "have to" outside-- mostly snacks. BUT!! The goal is to HEAL THOSE, TOO-- because they, too, are STILL made up of Good things, remember!! At the heart of everything, there is nothing to be feared. God WILL send His Holy Spirit of peace & wisdom to guide you in love. PRAY for that in humble joyous gratitude & trust. He WILL respond. ♥
★Remember that FOOD IS ART. It is GOD'S art!!! He has BLESSED you with the opportunity to PARTICIPATE in it!!
★ REMEMBER THE BIGGEST PICTURE! ♥
★ Stay a child at heart, full of all love & wonder & curiosity & joy!
★ DON'T "repeat" COPE meals!!
★ Focus on foods that you would previously avoid, judge negatively, or outright fear. Heal them of that pain-projection-- they're innocent of it!!
★ DON'T obsess over choices!!
★ DON'T think ritually, compulsively, or "superstitiously"!
★ TRUST your heart's intuition!
★ Remember, there is NO regret in LOVE & WISDOM! ♥
★ Eat mindfully & respectfully!
★ Pay attention to the unique qualities of each food-- DESCRIBE them actively if possible (Laurie will help!) !
★ Time yourself prudently!
★ If you're "panicking" over something, PICK IT. Then release all devil-planted bitterness, fear, & anger-- all lies!-- and instead focus on GRATITUDE for the grace of a healing opportunity, LOVE for God's care and wisdom in that very situation, and REVERENCE for God's PLAN & PRESENCE IN THAT FOOD!
★ Let the League & System help if you are struggling too much to currently think straight on your own.
★ PRAY, PRAISE, & THANK GOD ALWAYS!!! ♥

1 D, 2 S, 3 P, 1 F, 1 CS = 1) 2 slices toast w/ 4 slices cheese & 1 butter pat // 1 bag potato chips 2) salad w/ peas & chickpeas, avocado, cheese, 2 eggs, sunflower seeds? 3) hot dog, 2 cheeses, frozen yogurt w/ nuts? 4) popcorn, hummus? on toast, yogurt,
S = || P = |||| F = 0? D = ||? FR = | CS = | (base meal around this!) P= tofu, beans, or a new meat? « pick the "scariest" thing? S= sourdough? D= whole milk and/or new yogurt FR= berries, dried fruit, OR naked drink CS= overnight oats? cheesecake? +salad? combos= pizza, mac & cheese, pasta,
try ALL NEW HEALING THINGS!!! ♥MAKE ART!!!♥
self select goals! ♥ (initial brainstorming 0601)
(1) D= pick LEGIT milk; DON'T default to soy out of fear-lies. ★ try new yogurt flavors ✔★ try the WHOLE milk ✔★ try new cheeses, esp. if "packaged" = heal it with love!
(1) FR= heal ALL fruit from fear-lies and demonic female-condemnation. ★ try dried cranberries, mandarin oranges, pineapple, etc. ✔★ try jello! ★ try ALL "Naked" juices ★ try bottled fruit juices ✔★ pick fresh fruits that you "hesitate" over
(1) FT= moderation! conquer the glutton demon. treat fat w/ loving respect!! ★ try seeds ★ try sour cream & ✔mayonnaise ★ try new butter spreads ✔★ try new salad dressings ★ use avocado LOVINGLY; free it from the past, too! ✔★ remember the casserole rule! ✔★ try CS foods with more oil/cream in them
(3) ✔= heal ALL meat options before defaulting to faves more often ★ try beans ★ try different meat preparations ✔★ you CAN use cheese, but not as a "chicken out" option! ✔ ★ same with eggs! ✔ & cottage cheese!
(3) S= the devil wants you to hate flour because JESUS BLESSED IT SACRAMENTALLY-- so LOVE it! ♥ ✔★ try ALL kinds of bread for sandwiches ★ try bagels, rolls, & other "breakfast breads" - biscuits, waffles, etc. ✔★ try noodles✔ & pasta✔ ★ try cereals✔, cold AND hot-- including grits!
★ try hot dogs, burgers, burritos, pitas✔, tacos, tortillas ★ try green peas ✔★continue to heal corn! (★) if you flinch at a starch, CHOOSE IT and LOVE IT BACK TO GOD. remember how Mary's grimaces hurt your heart. ★ try pancakes & waffles ★ choose starchy CS foods, like cakes, pastries, chips, cookies, etc. ★ try POPCORN ★ try pretzels, rice cakes, crackers
(1) CS ★ try the mini-sundaes✔ ★ try all the chips? ★ try the frozen yogurt bar ★ try actual pastries ★ try cheesecake? ✔ ★ try hummus ★ try candy bars? ★ try donuts & cookies ★ try muffins✔ & cupcakes ★ try sweet bread ★ try really rich desserts-- cream rolls, cannoli, etc.
(~) V = have some at EVERY SS meal, even just a little! ★ add stuff to salads✔ ★ put vegs on burgers✔ ★ carrots & dip contain (1) F! ✔ ★ focus on fresh green stuff ★ WORK BEST WITH FATS!